I freaking lack grace…

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What I lack…

Ugh.

Right now I lack hands. I lack energy… I lack dignity.

I don’t want people to see my house a mess. I don’t want you to see me give way to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for the tenth time. I’m too good for that. Surely I should be having my daughter do more constructional activities?

It’s a learning curve for me. I have to give up perfectionism. I have to give up how I like things done. Because, when people come to help you, they’re being gracious. This means you must be gracious too.

[Backstory: I’m like a Barbie doll whose limbs have been snapped off. See here. Next surgery is tomorrow. More grace. More learning. Less dignity.]

I can’t really do my laundry. I definitely can’t clean my bathtub (and ever since I bought those darned bath crayons I’m REAAAALLY regretting this). I have trouble changing a diaper. I’m helpless at times.

And this is not to make you feel sorry for me. This is to emphasize the things that arise in my day that REQUIRE outside help. Things that make you call your mother-in-law and have her drive 7 hours just to be there when your husband is at school. Because I can’t open the danged Gerber peas, much less pick up my twenty pound baby.

And so I am met with a dilemma: do I nourish a false pride, or allow people to help? It’s that age-old conundrum of self-reliance and charity.

This is a poem I found myself writing a few days ago, and, after stumbling, fumbling, and goofing up in front of my sweet Mama in law, I decided to go ahead and post it:

Humbled by magnanimity
That occupies my house.
Lord knows it’s not mine.

God give me grace
to accept this nakedness.
Raw and exposed,
Helpless.
Unadorned.
We are your people
And You are the Shepherd.
Why do we have to be sheep?
Can you make my path straight?
Or—
Perhaps clear the hedges?
As in, take all of my problems away?
My puzzle solved.
My riddle ridded.
You are God.
May I bow out graciously?
Or shall I just kneel?
I’ll just kneel.

Could you just help me kneel?
**Written in response to Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. Dedicated to my Mama-in-law, Mama, sisters, friends from Bible study, neighbors, and especially my gracious husband. Love you all. 
Gosh darnit. This picture keeps becoming more important to me…

10 thoughts on “I freaking lack grace…

  1. Miel Abeille

    Accepting help is such a difficult act for me, too! How do we accept just enough? I don’t want to be a burden, but how do I know that by rejecting help I’m being too stubborn. Learning curve it spot on! Good luck!!!

    Reply
  2. Amanda

    Oh, I just read you had hand surgery recently. *blush* I guess you can forget the above!

    Reply
  3. kirstykaree

    Im so glad you decided to write about this! Hill, think of it as doing us a favor. Because everyone who loves you hates to see you go through this, and the only way of giving us at least a little piece of mind is helping and serving you. So just let us. I wish I could be there right now!! ???? But Ill be there in about one and a half weeks. I love you sis and Im praying for you every day, all day.
    MUAH!

    Reply
  4. Dana @ WhatWereWeThinking?

    This would be so hard for me, too. I hope you finding healing.

    Reply
  5. Random Flair

    Don’t be stubborn or to humiliated – all us moms are in the same boat! All less than perfect – all struggling to do the right thing – all in need of the age-old tradition of living in community. We just weren’t meant to fly solo no matter how rugged our society tells it’s individuals to be!

    Reply

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