Coming Clean: Vicodin Addiction RecoveryMay 13th

Let’s talk about vicodin addiction recovery. Why?

A few weeks ago I came out with my darkest, most ugly, most embarrassing secret. I shared it with the world. I don’t know what I expected from such a revelation, but the outcome was better than anything I could have hoped for.

Yes, it was excruciating. I can compare it to labor in how painful it was to deliver such news to all of you. But, with the pain came new life. I firmly believe that spilling my guts to the world sped up my recovery by 90%.

It was wonderful to be surrounded by so much love and grace from friends, family, and followers. I expect many of you want more details about my recovery and so today I’m sharing yet again.

One month clean, guys.

I truly feel like a different person…no, not a different person. I feel like the real me. That person trapped in addiction wasn’t who I was created me to be. What a relief to drop that dead weight.

One of the questions that I keep hearing is, “What led you to finally go in and get help?”

The catalyst? The breaking point? What should we call it?

Huh.

Well, I felt cracked. Like all my seams were busting open and I could no longer hold myself together. Bilbo Baggins described the weight of the ring as rendering him “thin like butter scraped over too much bread.”

Whose analogy do you like better? Mine or J.R.R. Tolkien?

Things that used to make me light up inside could barely generate a flicker from me. Laughter has always been a huge part of who I am. My name literally means “laughing one.” I was the kid who got in trouble for making everyone laugh in class. Laughter is what kindled my relationship with my husband. I was attracted to him because he made me laugh. (And he was hot).

When I was on Vicodin, I found it difficult to laugh. Laughter that used to come so freely was blocked by a thick and numbing cloud.

That’s one of the many things doctors won’t tell you about pain killers when they first prescribe them. They promise to numb the pain, and it does. But no one ever said a thing about how it would numb my very nature. No one told me my thoughts would grow cloudy, my perception distorted, and my laughter squelched.

Would I have gone down that road if they had? Who knows. I didn’t go looking for this addiction. It wasn’t a recreational drug–I didn’t take it to get high. I took it to battle very real pain in my body.

Somewhere along the way, it turned on me. What started as pain management became life management.  Would you cringe if I told you that I needed two pills and three cups of coffee to get up in the morning? Just a month ago.

I would wake up in pain and seek the only other feeling I could attain: numbness. Yes, the roaring pain in my body would subside, but it felt like I swallowed a piece of myself with each pill that went down my throat.

Now? I’m awake BEFORE the coffee. I don’t take pills–just vitamins (and ibuprofin).  I burst out laughing for no apparent reason. My senses are acute. I see things, feel things, and even taste things so much better than before! Seriously, the whole tasting thing is getting me into trouble. Food has never been better! I am me, and I appreciate ME so much more! It’s FUN to feel good. Oh, and I don’t have pain. Yah, thats the craziest part.

I know we’ve all got our stuff. That’s what people keep telling me, and from my little existence on this earth I can whole-heartedly agree.

Oh, there are those people I look at in total wonder—pondering how they are so damned perfect. What darkness has to be in their hearts, I think to myself. From over here it looks all butterflies and rainbows, but facades work that way.

We all need saving. We all drag around something ugly and heavy; a tumor that ought to be extracted. I needed someone to take it out for me. I cried out to my God and he gave me a way. The route was so much gentler than anything I expected it to be.

Yes, detox is a bitch, but when you have a Savior, and the support of everyone you love, it’s manageable. It’s enlightening. It’s freeing.

If there is anything I can encourage you with it is this: be honest. With yourself, with God, with others. Healing is nurtured by truth. The truth will become your best friend once you expose it. But if you try and hide it, well, you’ll be shackled to it. Here is another great resource if you’re looking for help with vicodin addiction recovery.

I cherish your comments. They warm my heart (except for the occasional mean ones, you guys make my heart go all shrivelly, so keep to yo’selves).

Hugs to everyone!

 

 

31 Responses to Coming Clean: Vicodin Addiction RecoveryMay 13th

  1. Kelly Breedlove May 14, 2013 at 3:42 am #

    Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. You are a warrior woman on the narrow path. May your journey continue to be full of grace, joy and laughter.

  2. Kathy Radigan May 14, 2013 at 4:01 am #

    Congratulations on your one month anniversary! That is a huge accomplishment. I think you make such an important point as to how instrumental it is to “come clean” and be honest with yourself and others. It can be such a relief. It really is true, we are only as sick as our secrets. Sending hugs!

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:11 am #

      Honesty is so freeing!

  3. adrienne May 14, 2013 at 4:13 am #

    Inspiring, Hilary! Way to go!! I love the new look here. Your eyes in that photo are crazy beautiful! 😉

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:10 am #

      Oh geez–thanks!

  4. Student Mom (Jenn) May 14, 2013 at 5:11 am #

    Happy Anniversary!! Yay!
    I know what you mean about the fog – I woke up one day, after giving up some stuff myself, and remember being stunned that I could actually think! It was the first time in MONTHS that my head was clear, and I had no idea until that day. I really didn’t know I was living in a fog.

  5. Susan Williams (@BoonieSooze) May 14, 2013 at 6:03 am #

    Missed where you outed yourself, but congratulations, and wow! So very, very happy for you!!!

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:10 am #

      Thanks so much!

  6. Alison May 14, 2013 at 6:31 am #

    You are so brave to share your testimony. It’s a very inspiring story. Congrats on your recovery and best of luck as you continue on.

  7. Shell May 14, 2013 at 6:51 am #

    Oh, this makes me so incredibly happy. You are doing amazing!

    My father was addicted to pain pills and he never got help for it. It was absolutely heartbreaking. It’s amazing that you have the strength to admit there was a problem and to do something about it. Your life and your family’s- will be so much the better for it. xo

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:09 am #

      Thanks, Shell! I’m so sorry you’ve had to walk this road with a loved one. I feel extremely blessed to have come out of it.

  8. Natalia May 14, 2013 at 6:53 am #

    Yay!! So happy for you girl! I can’t wait to see you when you get down here!

  9. Frugalistablog May 14, 2013 at 7:20 am #

    Way to go girl!! This is fabulous. Keep us posted. We are with you on this journey.

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:08 am #

      Thanks, friend!

  10. Margo Hayes May 14, 2013 at 7:41 am #

    Great post! Great news! God is good and so is life:) Love you!

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:08 am #

      Love you, Mama!

  11. Tannith May 14, 2013 at 8:02 am #

    Oh honey I’m so happy for you! And it’s amazing how what your described about getting you back and the laughter was exactly what I felt. My husband still looks over at me and goes “your just so much more here now, I love it.”
    It feels good to be present in our own lives again doesn’t it?
    Keep up the good work and keep celebrating yourself and your amazing progress
    Tannith

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:07 am #

      That is exactly what my hubby says to me all the time! It feels WONDERFUL to be present!

  12. kim @the fordeville diaries May 14, 2013 at 9:54 am #

    You are amazing and inspiring!

  13. Amanda May 14, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

    Way to go!! I can understand part of what you’re saying. My Dad has MS, and he took so much Vicodin, Morphine, and Oxy every day. His pain increased, and the pills increased. When he finally started weaning himself off all those pain meds, he noticed less pain. Weird, huh? His doctor told him that your body will actually create pain, just to get more medication. Addiction like that is so hard to overcome, and I applaud your success!! I am so glad you had the courage to talk about this. So many people treat it as a taboo topic, but it needs to be talked about! Who knows how many people you will touch with your own story?

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:07 am #

      Thank you so much! I can totally relate to your dad’s pain. I feel pain free now. It’s amazing. Those drugs are real DRUGS and are extremely powerful. I hope more people can become aware of the very serious dangers they pose to the average person.

  14. Susan May 14, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

    I missed the post where you came clean – but GIRL – WOO HOO! Thank you for your willingness to be honest, genuine and share all of you – that is what is needed now a days, not a bunch of “perfect” people pretending likfe is a piece of cake. I pray your story is shared and helps others who are in other types of addictions. May God bless your courage!

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:05 am #

      Thank you! I feel like it is exactly what I need to be doing–being open about it. I won’t deny that it is hard, but it is also rewarding.

  15. Chris Carter May 14, 2013 at 8:35 pm #

    You are so SO AMAZING!!!! I am so proud of you, sweet Hilary!!! The truth really does set you free, doesn’t it? Oh, how happy I am for you! Stay true to yourself… and your light… and cling to Him during those moments of weakness. I am inspired by your strength and I am so glad you found your light again. :)

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:03 am #

      Thanks, Chris! God is good. He has been so kind and sweet to me during this time. I am loving the light.

  16. Michelle May 15, 2013 at 2:41 am #

    I’m very happy for you! You are amazing!!

    • hillary May 16, 2013 at 5:03 am #

      Thank you so much!

  17. candotche May 15, 2013 at 9:31 pm #

    you made me cry. Very VERY happy for you. 2 days till I hug your neck again!

  18. drugrehaborg August 27, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    How is your recovery going? I hope stronger every day!

  19. Rehabcenternet October 16, 2013 at 7:26 am #

    Thank you for sharing your success. It takes a lot of courage and helps out others who struggle with addiction too. Stay strong!

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