Today I want to talk about a fashion trend that is popping up like the measles in Los Angeles. And if its happening here, that means it will happen everywhere else, given enough time.
The Mom Jeans Trend.
I live in the city of beautiful people. Like, scary beautiful people. Lots of youth and talent gather here to pursue creative and artistic careers. Generally, people dress fashion-forward, and I look to the young and beautiful to gage where we’re at in fashion trends.
Let me just say, we’re not in an optimal fashion stage, folks. I know just about every trend repeats itself. I was somewhat ok with the return of leggings, neon colors, and all the edgy funk of the ’80s. I’m more than happy to see the return of the maxi dress. I’ve lamented such things as crop tops and short shorts, but I think what we’re seeing now is even worse.
The long crotch, pancake butt Mom Jeans.
Yes, you read that right. Fashionistas are looking to the old Mom Jeans for inspiration. Mom Jeans should never, ever, under any circumstances be allowed back into circulation.
I want to give you a quick breakdown of the implications of the Mom Jeans Trend.
1.) It makes your crotch look to be the size of a of a Subway Footlong.
In case you need reminding, it’s the male half of the species that brags about “size” in the nether regions. We females have never looked to our loins for boasting. Unless, that is, we’re talking about the size of a baby that found its way out. That’s totally different.
2.) It looks suspicious…like, what is she hiding in there??
I’m a fan of extra storage and pockets, but when it looks like you could conceal a bazooka right next to your chonies—well, I just don’t think its a good idea.
3.) It makes your torso look extra short.
I wrote about this a long time ago with the cropped top. I still think crop tops are a bad idea. People pay tons of money on yoga and pilates to get a LONG torso. Why would anyone pay money to shorten it?
4.) It makes your butt look long and flat.
It takes me a good part of the year to get the weight off after having a baby. It takes the rest of the year to perk my butt up to a reasonable shelf-height, and even then I still fight the ever-encroaching pancake that it will one day become. WHY would I want pants that give me the pancake butt twenty years early?!
5.) It means you are totally manipulated by an evil monkey hand-picking bad fashion trends from a grubby jar of things that should have died forever. Because, listen. You wanna know who one of the major perpetrators of this trend is?
I’ll give you a hint: she came in like a wrecking ball.
Yep. Thanks, Miley.
Now, I need to make a disclaimer before we wrap this up. First of all, I think some high-waisted pants and skirts can look awesome. What I am raging against is the unflattering pale-blue Mom Jeans. High-waisted CAN be really flattering, but just not when it looks like something in an SNL parody piece.
So, here’s the question: are you wearing mom jeans? Will I wear mom jeans? I have to say that I foresee a slight temptation to zip my mother flubber into a nice, spacious, extra long crotch. But at what cost?