I’m So Pathetic For You

By | February 17, 2011

Most people first hold hands with a boy when they’re like five, right? Or if you’re like my daughter, age two. But if you grow up having four brothers, two of which are older than you, holding hands with a boy would be like holding onto a crustacean. Sure, I can do it, but why on earth would I want to? It feels gross, is probably wet, and my hand will stink afterwards.

If I look back, I think I was a pretty logical kid. I remember sitting in AWANAS (who’s been in AWANAS? I’ve got the red team in my blood) and telling some older girls (who were bragging about kissing) that I had no intention of kissing any boy til I knew I would marry him. Hold on, hold on! Yes, my parents definitely didn’t discourage my plan, but I had it all figured out that if I were to kiss someone that had kissed someone else…then that meant I was getting everybody’s germs all at once.

It makes sense, right?

Now, realize that I was like 10 when I was having this conversation. But I did stay true to my wish–Matt is the only boy I have kissed.


Ok, so before Matt I of course liked different boys. I had my silly crushes, as any girl does. I had one “boyfriend,” who could barely be labeled a “boyfriend.” We were friends, we “liked” each other, we told each other how we felt…And then nothing. No kiss. No hand holding. Just “liking.” It didn’t last long, and ironically we both ended up with our significant others within months after. Ha! And we’re still friends.

Cheesy at it may sound, Matt is the only guy I’ve ever, ever fallen in love with. And it happened the summer of my senior year in high school. Someday I’ll probably try and write down our story, but for now I’m just going to tell you one of the most memorable dates we ever had.

I guess it’s not really a “date,” because my family was with us. But it was the first time we held hands, the first time I got the woozy-weak-in-the-knees feeling, and the first and only time I have ever fallen in love.

It happened at Six Flags Magic Mountain.

Yuck. Scratch that image of nasty, hormonal, sweaty teenagers licking each other’s faces in line. We weren’t like that. We were the people that made fun of such spectacles. We had my three younger siblings with us all day, so we were trying to show them the proper response to such behavior. Plus we were grossed out.

One of the things that I consider a huge “perk” about my husband is the way he is able to relate to each of my family members. And that’s saying something when you have four brothers and one sister. It all started with that “date” to Magic Mountain, where my two younger brothers vied for a seat next to Matt.

Our  mini chaperones (ages 7, 9, and 12) escorted us on practically every ride. Like I said, my brothers wanted to have the privileged spot next to Matt, so most of the rides were spent sitting next to my sis. And that was ok, until that one moment.


*Music please*

We were wrapping around one of those twisty lines to Goliath. It was hot, but Matt was hotter (he is going to just love that I said that). With his spikey hair, blue sunglasses, and checkered Volcolm shirt–I was falling for this lanky, goofy boy. And that’s what he was: a boy. Sixteen years old.

We were turned away from the pesky siblings for a minute, and we each grasped the grimy rail in front of us. Our hands were placed side by side and we gazed into each other’s eyes with the look that only first time loves can give.

“I’m pathetic for you,” Matt said.

“That’s not how you’re supposed to use the word,” I replied.
“I want to hold your hand…?” He said it like a question.
“So do it.” Gulp.
Pinkies inch closer and closer.
Knees go weak, heart thumps, a big wave of adrenaline punches me in the gut. And we’ve only just touched pinky fingers.
Eventually he had his whole hand around mine. It was almost more than I could take.
Seriously, I wondered if I had been drugged.
I felt like I had been dipped in a steaming pot of Disney. The dirty trails of a theme park became yellow brick roads. Animals were talking to me. Flowers were singing. Chocolate was gushing forth from fountains.
Hold on.
I may be mixing up a few of my allusions.
But that’s the point. It was a blissfully confusing state of absolute joy just to hold this guy’s hand. It was all we needed. It was all we did. We held hands, looked into each other’s eyes, and said over and over again how “pathetic” we were for each other.
We’ve been together almost ten years, married for five. During that time we’ve held hands a ton. I am so glad that we started off with just enjoying that. It’s amazing to look back and realize that that was the starting point for us. Since then, there’s been many important “dates” where we’ve held hands. We got married, had two kids, got kicked out of England, moved away from all of our friends and family, and have become the constantly evolving couple we are today. Every big step we take is a joint step, and we take it holding each other’s hands. 
 **This post was written in response to Mama Kat’s Weekly Writing Prompt. Head over there for some fabulous writing!

11 thoughts on “I’m So Pathetic For You

  1. djmize

    I love that you compared holding hands with a boy to holding a crustacean!…I also love how you love Matt. It makes me love Darren more! I don’t know if that makes sense, but it makes sense in my head. ???? Thanks for encouraging me!

  2. Sugar Mama

    That is the sweetest story… really. And I think holding hands can be the best. It’s something a happily married couple can always do together, even in very old age. Found your blog from Mama Kat’s

  3. MrsJenB

    Loved the description of the world through your eyes when you held hands! Had me going “awww” while I laughed out loud. Well done!

  4. Carrie

    Awww! What a sweet story ???? You found your soul mate at such a young age!

  5. Keri

    Beautiful! You have such a lovely way of writing Hillary…very open, full of humor, and it’s just beautiful.

  6. Ali

    I love your little “pathetic” love story!! I hope my daughter thinks boys are nasty for a long time too ???? I remember when Willy and I held hands for the first time too on the L train in Chicago, sparks flew, my heart stopped beating, and my face was so hot and red!! He was my first true love and boyfriend too. I think it’s awesome that way!!!

  7. more than rubies

    Ah young love…So fun to have such a lovely love story! Crazy to think you two have been together for almost 10 years now. Awesome.


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