The first time I was really, truly scared was when I went in for my first foot surgery as a teenager. I was so afraid of having an IV put in me that they gave me some calming medication before they inserted the IV.
When my friend Chuck died the sorrow that filled my heart felt comparable to that fear. Numbing, paralyzing fear. The IV was nothing compared to the awful reality of never getting to see my friend again on this side of heaven.
The day Coco was born I received awful news as the nurse came in to tell me, “There’s something wrong with your daughter’s heart.” The fear I felt then was crushing. The devastation was so near I could taste it. It was bitter and dreadful. That fear, that pain, that sorrow was too much.
Remove this cup from me.
I know how lucky I am to have only gotten a tiny sip of it.
In the midst of all that fear–coherent thought and rationality do not exist. My rolodex of verses, mantras, and cliche reasoning clangs around like a drunken marching band. I cannot locate any rational thinking. But then there’s this funny thing–out of all that chaos and muddling I can always hear a song.
I squeezed my mom’s hand, and closed my eyes tight. The needle pierced my hand, but the song washed over me like a cool tonic.
You are my hiding place.
I stared at my dresser–the boom box proudly sitting atop it. Pictures of friends, pictures of surfers, Billabong stickers on a bulletin board. How could all this nonsense still be in place when the world was so shattered? Again, the song filled my mind and lifted me out of the darkness.
You always fill my heart, with songs of deliverance.
I looked down at my beautiful new baby, memorizing each second in case it was the last. The thought of losing her–unbearable. I cannot say the song pulled me out of the darkness, but it at least held me somewhat afloat.
Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.
The sorrow that sits upon our nation today is crushing. It is a nightmare from which we cannot awake.
My prayer for everyone is to find that song to wash their minds and soak their thoughts. A bath to ease the pain.
No, a mere song won’t remove any of this damage. It never could. But I pray for some song from God to play above this drunken marching band, this nightmare that is today.
Deliver us. I am afraid. I will trust in You.