responding to sandy hook

By | December 17, 2012

The first time I was really, truly scared was when I went in for my first foot surgery as a teenager. I was so afraid of having an IV put in me that they gave me some calming medication before they inserted the IV.

When my friend Chuck died the sorrow that filled my heart felt comparable to that fear. Numbing, paralyzing fear. The IV was nothing compared to the awful reality of never getting to see my friend again on this side of heaven.

The day Coco was born I received awful news as the nurse came in to tell me, “There’s something wrong with your daughter’s heart.” The fear I felt then was crushing. The devastation was so near I could taste it. It was bitter and dreadful. That fear, that pain, that sorrow was too much.

Remove this cup from me.

I know how lucky I am to have only gotten a tiny sip of it.

In the midst of all that fear–coherent thought and rationality do not exist. My rolodex of verses, mantras, and cliche reasoning clangs around like a drunken marching band. I cannot locate any rational thinking. But then there’s this funny thing–out of all that chaos and muddling I can always hear a song.

I squeezed my mom’s hand, and closed my eyes tight. The needle pierced my hand, but the song washed over me like a cool tonic.

You are my hiding place.

I stared at my dresser–the boom box proudly sitting atop it. Pictures of friends, pictures of surfers, Billabong stickers on a bulletin board. How could all this nonsense still be in place when the world was so shattered? Again, the song filled my mind and lifted me out of the darkness.

You always fill my heart, with songs of deliverance.

I looked down at my beautiful new baby, memorizing each second in case it was the last. The thought of losing her–unbearable. I cannot say the song pulled me out of the darkness, but it at least held me somewhat afloat.

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.

The sorrow that sits upon our nation today is crushing. It is a nightmare from which we cannot awake.

My prayer for everyone is to find that song to wash their minds and soak their thoughts. A bath to ease the pain.

No, a mere song won’t remove any of this damage. It never could. But I pray for some song from God to play above this drunken marching band, this nightmare that is today.

Deliver us. I am afraid. I will trust in You.

Sandy Hook


16 thoughts on “responding to sandy hook

  1. villagegirl

    A beautiful post. Even with a border between we still feel your pain as if it were ours and our prayers are with you.

  2. Kim

    I can’t imagine how difficult it was to hold and look at your baby, wondering if each second was the last, and yet, there there was that hope helping to hold you afloat. I never knew until a few years ago that He was my hiding place, too, my deliverer, my companion as I walked through storms.

  3. Steph at I'm Still Learning

    What a comforting post. It’s really all we can do in times of crisis—have faith in God to raise up the weak. It’s so hard to put such a tragedy into words, but you did it nicely.

    1. hillary

      Thank you. It was scary to put it into any words. Anything I say feels trite and insufficient, but I do know that God gives me songs in the darkness.

  4. ilene

    This is just beautiful. Heartfelt. Lovely. Sad. Under my skin. I pray with you that those affected find their song.

  5. Holly Lefevre

    I am not a woman of few words, but you said it all so well. This is eloquent and touching and beautiful.

  6. Adrienne

    Beautiful, Hill! Just beautiful! I sat in my recliner this morning after writing today’s post. I’m so sad, but I can’t leave it there. I just can’t. I found comfort in familiar Psalms, and a passage I will share in my next post.

  7. Natalia

    Love you girl! It is so nice to have our Lord and Savior. To know we are saved. To have a hope in this world. I can’t imagine these people’s, well, most people’s pain, but I can just pray and trust that God has a plan and He is at work.

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  9. Aunt Gloria

    ” There is not pit so deep, that God’s love is not deeper still.” What Betsey ten Boom knew so so long ago was not new then or now, but is alive and fresh. The Hiding Place makes an excellent Christmas gift. It is a must read of God’s love and faithfulness. Thanks for sharing your heart with us Hillary.

  10. Chris Carter

    Do you know I have depended on that VERY song in times of crisis and pain and fear too! Oh how I love the words…over and over again, I would play them so loud to encompass my entire surroundings. Praying for deliverance…

    1. hillary

      Oh my goodness, really? So weird! It’s not even a song I hear a lot, but it is the one that comes to mind when I am facing great fear.


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