If I’m being honest I’ll tell you that confessing to a drug addiction was the easy part.
Being quiet after the response–that wasn’t so hard either. It’s ok in circumstances like this to “plead the fifth.”
But live normal life?
That’s hard, yo.
They didn’t tell me at the Chemical Dependency Center that I would probably gain weight. That I’d feel depressed. That going back would be super duper easy.
Don’t worry. I didnt go back.
But I’ve wanted to.
God how I’ve wanted to.
Guys, I’ve gained weight. Like twenty effing pounds. and it sucks. so hard. I went for like two years where I didn’t worry about weight. And now its all I can think about. I have cravings. I’m hungry. I feel sad. Oh hey, chocolate! Boom. twenty pounds. That is how it happens.
And now??? Well I bought “fat” clothes. They weren’t really fat. Just bigger than the tiny size I was when I was sick.
Clothes to fit after the weight gain. But I didn’t account of the EXTRA weight I would gain. More.
Ugh. Disgustingly more.
Now I cant fit into anything that resembled the old Hillary. And how do I feel about that? Well,frankly I just want to go back. Fill my prescription and go back to low weight, no pain, no cravings, and numbness. Cause this sucks.
It sucks feeling bad about your weight. Oh wait, this is my entire high school experience. Yah. thats why I hated high school. Not becasue my dad lost his job. Not because one of my best friends died. Not because I moved and didn’t know anyone. No I hated high school because I felt fat and miserable. Except I wasn’t fat. I was just heavier than my tiny, stick-figured friends. And here I am again feeling heavier than acceptable.
I’d rather be addicted. Sometimes that’s how I feel. Not always. Not most of the time. But sometimes.
Somebody grab me by the shoulders and shake me, please. This is ridiculous.
This is what they don’t tell you about detoxing from drugs. They don’t tell you that you feel prettier when you were on them. Oh sure you felt cooler. But that’s not as important. No, you were skinnier. You were able to wear cute clothes. You didnt agonize over your weight. Thats what you are walking away from.
Here I am, twelve weeks clean, and the nasty stuff still haunts me. It was an unexpected trial, this weight gain. One that I didn’t know could knock me down so damn low.
I have a plan of attack, and I’m sure I’ll blog about it later, but for now, I wanted to catch you all up on who I am today. Some of you have messaged me and asked about my progress. With moving and figuring out our new life, the addiction stuff wasn’t as important to share. But the fact of the matter is that it is still there. I’m still fighting.
Your encouragement, prayers, well-wishes are cherished. Thank you to everyone who has reached out and held my hand along the way. I promise brighter things tomorrow!
Love you all!