I Tried the Paleo Diet

By | April 3, 2014

I tried the Paleo Diet

Alright. There’s something that needs to be said. I never spoke of it because for one, I quit. And secondly, I got pregnant and it seemed pointless. How cryptic is that, right?

I tried the Paleo diet. For two weeks.

That’s right. Paleo. Two weeks. I could easily say that I “failed” at it, but I’d rather go with, “I learned so much from eating like a caveman.”

And that’s what I’m going to talk about today.

Paleo is all the rage. If you haven’t run into a Paleo yet, it’s because you’re not eating enough bacon.

I promise you, someone you know is Paleo. Now, don’t misunderstand this word. At first I thought Paleo was a movement against tanning beds.

No, no, no. Paleo is the short form of “Paleolithic.”

Neanderthals… Caveman status.

And yes, apparently they had a diet. A very healthy one, I might add. Somehow, the folks who missed the memo about the wheel came up with  the perfect diet for maintaining optimal health. I made fun of it for a while, but eventually the “feeling-fat” thing got the best of me and I devoted myself full force. If you can call two weeks full force.

In a nutshell (oh, how appropriate), Paleo is this:

Any meat *that is organic*

Any vegetable *that is organic*

Some fruit *yes, organic*

No dairy *not even organic*

Eggs *Ok, that’s kind of dairy, but it has to be organic*

All nuts *except peanuts, because they are technically legumes* *yes, organic*

No legumes *beans are legumes, so yah, hasta la vista Mexican food* *Also, no hummus–a tragedy!*

No sugar *honey is ok, but only the amount you could procure while being chased by a swarm of bees. Think a ‘teaspoon’ with consequences.*

No grains *not even gluten free*

What’s left? you ask. Meat! Grass! Meat!

So there you have it. A bunch of organic stuff, but not really any fun organic stuff. “Pure” cane sugar is just a naughty cop-out, don’t try it. And don’t you even think about having some quinoa. You think cavemen ate quinoa??! Heck no! They only ate ingredients they could pronounce.

Yes, this is the diet that I tried. And you know something? I actually enjoyed a lot of it because—bacon! Now, even though I only spent about two weeks as a Paleo I like to think that I’m an expert.


I am not against anyone who actually does the paleo diet. I put myself through it, and like I said, there were some things I really liked. Have I already mentioned bacon? Oh, and homemade mayonnaise. Yum! Also, people devoted to the paleo lifestyle look dang good. That’s why I tried it!

But I’m someone who stalks observes other people, and I really like to write about what I see.

So here are my observations on paleo people (because I was one of them for two weeks). I just thought I’d share.

1.) Paleo people don’t look anything like caveman. They neither grow extra body-hair nor suffer from poor posture. Also disappointing, they don’t wear loin cloths.

2.) Paleo people use terms like “primal,” “whole,” “cleansing,” and “hunter-gatherer.” As far as I can see, the hunting and gathering is done at Whole Foods. Squirrels and pigeons can rest assured that they won’t be added into our diet any time soon. Unless grass-fed beef skyrockets even higher, that is.

Gras fed beef

3.) Paleo people post pictures of their every meal. And they really do look yummy, if not a little pretentious.

#paleo #eatclean #mycleanfoodisbetterthanyourdirtyfood

4.) Paleo people know tons of other paleo people. It’s sort of like the cool kids club. Coincidentally, only the strong survive (it’s all very Darwinian, I tell you).

5.) Paleo people are the same as the Crossfit people. You can almost use the terms synonymously. My theory is that it goes back to the hunting and gathering.

The whole competition of scoring dinner is removed when everyone shops at Whole Foods. Instead of fighting over a wooly mammoth, paleos must don Under Armor or Lululemon, respectively, to compete in the arena of a gym. Here they can grunt, sprint, and squat around like their primordial predecessors. I bet cavemen had killer glutes.

So…are you paleo? Do you want to be?

Why did I even bring this up? Well, I actually found some awesome recipes while eating paleo. Paleo taught me some key ways to make my food taste better.

Isn’t that hilarious? And the other day, while I was whipping up my homemade horseradish, I desperately fought the urge to Instagram it in its respective mason jar #paleo.

Now that I’ve come clean I can do it ironically, and still enjoy the delicious flavor of horseradish from scratch. And I’d love to share it with you! {It’s coming–sometime soon, so hold onto that prime rib.}

I’ll probably try to implement some of the paleo concepts into a weight-loss plan after I have my baby. I just cannot be paleo right now because–In n Out. I have to follow my primal urges and eat at the water hole of my species.

Homo Sapiens, Californian.

in n out


17 thoughts on “I Tried the Paleo Diet

  1. Homemade Creamed Horseradish | Because my life is fascinatingBecause my life is fascinating

    […] a while back I was knocking the Paleo diet, but told you they have a killer horseradish recipe? Yah, well, I thought I’d do us all a […]

  2. Margo

    I love this post!! You nailed the whole thing – right down to the grunting in the gym and the killer glutes. I don’t think I could do it though because dairy is a necessity in my life – as in cheese, yogurt, sour cream, butter, etc. It makes cutting sugar bearable. Anyways… one of your funniest… I read it to your dad and we laughed and laughed.

    1. hillary

      Aww yay! Don’t let dad try Paleo!!! He’s just the sort of candidate they’re looking for…shhh!

  3. nicolette @ momnivore's dilemma

    I’m about 70% Paleo, and have been for the past 5 years. It is a bit of a cult, but it does make you realize how much crap is in our food.

    1. hillary

      Which is why I will probably be crawling back and eating my humble pie ????

  4. Sami Thiesse

    Haha I tried so hard to do this diet! Some people my mom talked to said it helped with their daughter’s auto-immune condition. But organic is too expensive for this college student… maybe some other time Ill try it out again. Eating healthy (ish) is the best I can do for now! ???? PS You are the bomb blogger!

    1. hillary

      Thanks, Sam! I can’t afford the 100% organic either. We just do the best we can. Did you find yourself wanting to join a Crossfit? Haha ????

  5. Melody

    My husband and I did the Paleo diet for 30 days (Whole30). Yes, 30 days… The only fast food place I could find to eat out at was Chipotle, and only ONE thing on their menu- the pork carnita salad without dressing (substituted with their guacamole because apparently the Paleo world approves of that). Yes, that’s the only thing on their menu not cooked in soy product and is “all natural.” But man, going off of that diet is THE WORST. One helping of chocolate cake on day 31 and my guts felt like they’d been attacked by… something much more harmful than cake. I think the key is balance. Sure, we had more energy and I felt all healthy-like, and my husband lost nearly 25 lbs… but I simply cannot live without ice cream or cake. So… balance, yep. Our diet is probably 90% Paleo right now… okay, maybe more like 80%. Possibly 70%. Cake.

    1. hillary

      I think being 70% paleo would be a great balance. I did learn how many crappy fillers are in just about everything at the grocery store. That was a bummer. But I just don’t have the time or energy to be able to manufacture ALL of my condiments. My kids can’t live without ketchup. I can’t live without In n Out. Balance.

  6. Joe Hayes

    Good post Hill, I read it while doing some dumbell curls in the gym this morning while all the losers in the world were still sleeping. Haha, just reference your post from the other day. You know, I try to eat clean and not eat a bunch of fast food/fried food and do try to eat lost of fruit/meat and low carbs. However, hopefully I don’t annoy people and I don’t really talk about it and if I’m in a pinch, I’m not too good to eat whatever is in front of me. I think its just about balance and not getting too absorbed into whatever it is you are into. And keep the main thing, the main thing.

    1. hillary

      Hahaha! I wrote this post while I was drenched in sweat from my intense workout. I even took a picture of it and posted it to Instagram ????

  7. Anne

    I just discovered your blog while meandering through Pinterest. I love your pin on cute hairstyles for little girls with short hair(my daughter likewise attempted to be her own hairdresser). I found your article on the paleo diet hilarious(LOVE your tongue-in-cheekiness). I’ve never tried paleo, but it seems very much like the Atkins diet of yester year, only with an emphasis on organic. High protein/low-carb is the ONLY diet I’ve ever lost weight on (aside from chemo-induced starvation diet that I do not recommend.) Keep up the good work-you just earned another follower:)

  8. Elle

    I just cant do any of those kinds of diets.. I still think moderation (except in coffee)…. I tried to cut dairy out to see if it would help with my skin issues.. actually it has but I am slowly adding a little back in .. I cant live without yogurt… just cant.. good for you for trying it

    1. hillary

      It really was an interesting experience! I’m glad I did it, and like I said–I found several yummy recipes that I can regularly serve my family (with bread, ha!)


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