Its a funny thing. When you’re extremely pregnant all you can think about is what it would be like to feel normal again. The last two months of my pregnancy I felt like a cow.
A cow with heartburn. My belly was huge. My boobs were huge–and leaking–and I fought the urge to moo (and/or growl) at anyone who wanted to move me.
I would fantasize about my empty belly and imagine feeling pretty again. Feeling thin and light. Feeling like a woman, and not a cow.
Welp. I’m here. Five weeks out, and I still don’t feel like a woman. I’m definitely feeling like a bone fide dairy cow. Sure, I’m a lot smaller, but things are hanging and leaking and I don’t really like it.
As women, we’re constantly looking towards the moment when things feel right. We know it’s out there, but as to when it happens or what constitutes it even happening is ambiguous.
So we put numbers on it.
When I weigh “this” much.
When I make “this” much money.
When I have “this” title.
When I’m friends with “this” person.
When this and this and this and this line up–I’ll arrive. I’ll be there.
The weight fell off pretty quickly after I had Coco and Chaucer. I mean, I didn’t look like Angelina Jolie or anything, but I could count on the scale going down a few pounds every week with just breastfeeding. This time it’s different.
I don’t know if its because the complications and surgery just slow things down–but, certain numbers are not really going down. Yes, I lost some initial weight with the birth, but the scale hasn’t budged since I came home from the hospital.
So here’s my thing: I don’t want to obsess. I don’t want to “measure” when I’m right by what number shows up on my bathroom scale.
Because even though things are rather chaotic right now, they are right. Life with a new baby and two kids is as it should be. Sure, I’m overwhelmed. I’m tired. But every day there is something redeeming and wonderful.
Like the smell of Tennyson’s head.
Or Chaucer asking me about cow udders. (The cow theme is very prevalent in our home.)
I get to smile, laugh, cry, and breathe with some really awesome people every day. So why am I looking for a number to make things right?
The weight-loss might take a little longer than I’d prefer, but for now I’m going to try and enjoy being a milk cow.