Sex Ed. Ducky Style

Things are changing around here. I’m getting to the point where I am irritated with my natural surroundings. That’s a change, you ask?

Maybe not. But if felt like a good way to introduce today’s subject.

If you religiously follow my blog, which I know you all do, you will remember that I said we had moved into Bambi’s turf. Ducks stroll about the lawns, squirrels flirt and frolic in the tree branches, blue jays chirp from my fence, yadayadayada.

Well, guess what? I’m sick of them!

In response to Mama Kat’s weekly writing prompts, I’m writing about my “pet[s].” And though I have no cat, or dog, or parakeet,  I equate the daily annoyances that I put up with to match–or probably outweigh–any irritation that have a pet would cause.

I’m just going to talk about the ducks.

Because the squirrels are hilarious, even when they’re horny, they are just funny creatures. I’ll put up with their mating practices if it means more baby squirrels.

And though the blue jay will sqwauk and poop, they are pretty creatures, and I never have to see them get it on.

But the DUCKS, on the other hand, are absolutely outrageous!

As a parent of a 2 year old and a 4 month old, I would think that the “birds and the bees” talk would be a few years off, right? As in—storks until Coco’s 12.

Clearly, the ducks would have it another way.

At the rate they’re going, Coco’s going to start asking questions SOON.

If I had any control over the universe, I’d change a few things about ducks. Here are the top five things I’d change:

1.) Their poop. It’s gooey. When you step in it, you can’t be sure if it’s mud or duck crap until you start scrubbing. Sick.

2.) Their attitude. They assume that they’re the most important creatures in the universe. Sort of like people. And like pedestrians, they waddle slowly and luxuriously in front of my car as I try to pull into our parking lot. Each day I am challenged to actually just gun it and run the freaking things over. One of these days, Alice…

3.) Less feathers. Because after you see duck poop, you want nothing to do with duck feathers.

I’m boycotting goose down for the same reasons.

4.) Their noise level. They are loud. “Quack quack!” you all say to your babies, and encourage them to learn what ducks “say.”

But do you ever have to hear a hundred of them outside your house??!

Huh?

I love the book of Proverbs, and am always convicted (and mildly amused) by the metaphors of the contentious woman.

I’ll tell you one metaphor Soloman left out: “Like a lawn full of ducks…”

Because they don’t quack. No. They shriek, honk, flap, and snort.

Next time you teach your baby duck noises try to do all that at once, K?

5.) MOST IMPORTANTLY! Their mating practices.

I don’t even think you can call what they do mating.

It’s rape.

And not even just one on one rape. It’s 5+ males on one female. All. Over. The. Playground.

“What are they doo-ning, Mama?”

“Um, they’re just being weird, sweetie.”

“Oh.”

Thirty minutes later, another orgy.

Coco (laughing): “Mama, they’re being weeyowd.”

Heaven help us. She notices.

 And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what I would change about ducks.


*This post was written in response to Mama Kat’s Weekly Writing Prompt. Head over there for some totally awesome stories!