Men breastfeeding…What if men could breastfeed?
Hold on, any freaks who got here googling “Men Breastfeeding” in hopes of finding some perverted venue for *cough* men to have a go at nursing, well, buzz off.
Yes, I’ve seen your creepy Craigslist ads. Your “primal” desire to get back to the womb via a “breastfeeding experience.” Not gonna happen.
What I’m proposing is a simple “what if” scenario. What if the shoe was on the other foot? What if the boob was on the other person?
You totally know you’ve thought this. In the middle of the night. When you’re sore. When its 3 am and you are so freaking exhausted you want to cry. And you do.
The Great Hulking Beast snores away peaceful as a pear tree. You curse him. You kick him. Nothing. He snorts and snores on.
And so you suckle. You allow that darling little parasite to drain away the last dregs of energy coursing through your veins.
Delirious, you ponder. What if?
What if breastfeeding fell on someone else’s shoulders…er, chest? What if it wasn’t all up to you and your giant milk sacks?
When I had my babies, I would frequently find myself staring down my sleeping husband. Poor guy. If he woke up (he never did) he wouldn’t sleep so sound.
Bloodshot eyes beaming malice. Dry lips curled into a pernicious snarl. Milk-soaked shirt stinking of rotten intent. Oh yes, the vision would haunt him through eternity.
Even if he mixed a bottle of formula, my boobs would still pound with their individual migraines. Hot, swollen, hard as rocks. Milk ducts thumping away, and begging for a baby to bring relief.
If only men could breastfeed…
Please, humor me with the implications. I need to work out just why this scenario is not possible. I’ve got to explore it somehow.
1.) They wouldn’t care about women’s boobs anymore.
Think about this. Think about it. If men got to see how gruesome the boob really is they would no longer be so fascinated by it. Right?
Hmm. Maybe not. Who am I kidding?
2.) They would definitely have man boobs. I doubt that they would wear bras, though.
I see the men falling into two camps: the freeballers–er, freeboobers, and paratroopers. I say paratroopers because I imagine them wearing a sort of flak jacket, ya know?
Come to think of it, why don’t WE wear flak jackets for breastfeeding? We could stash nursing pads, burp rags, water bottles, an inflatable nursing pillow AND nipple cream with plenty of room to spare! I might just register for one of those this time around…
3.) They wouldn’t get embarrassed if they leaked. It’d be the equivalent of farting in public for them. Who cares?
4.) They’d have “shooting” contests. In fact, I bet this would become a sport.
5.) Instead of complaining about being engorged they would brag about it.
After all, size is what truly matters. I’d like to propose that *maybe* their penises would cease to be so fascinating.
6.) They would always do the football position.
7.) They would have no problem nursing in public. In fact, they wouldn’t use a nursing cover at all.
8.) Chest hair would be a polemical issue. To shave or not to shave, that is the question.
9.) They would make a HUGE deal about how painful it can be! Trust me on this. We ladies know that breastfeeding is painful, but you don’t really hear us talking about it all the time.
With men, you can bet they would whine and complain. Also? Say they got a nipple infection? They would whip that sucker out and show you the damage.
Why do I know this?
Because my husband just last night stuck his athlete-foot ridden toes in my face. I got to look into the depths of his phalanges and it was not pretty. I have no doubt that if he ever got mastitis he would shove it in my face. At the breakfast table.
10.) Women would get jealous and insist on bottle-feeding.
And yah, there’d be plenty of other consequences. These are just off the top of my head. Now you know what I think about at 3:00 in the morning.
And now I’d like to hear what you think. Am I missing something? What else would likely happen if men could breastfeed?