Homemade Creamed Horseradish

I suppose you might be wondering what you’re looking at up there. No, I didn’t castrate a horse.

What we have here is a large horseradish root.

Remember a while back I was knocking the Paleo diet, but told you they have a killer horseradish recipe? Yah, well, I thought I’d do us all a favor and post it. Let me just say this, making your own horseradish is awesome.

It’s soooo much better. Like, it’ll put hairs on your chest. It’ll also clear your sinuses, burn your eyes, and make your prime rib taste hecka good. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Making that prime rib or beef roast taste incredible. Also, you can post it on Instagram and hashtag it. #Paleo.

So let me walk you through the process:

First, go to the produce section of your grocery store and try to locate the “produce” that looks like a horse dong. It might be covered in dirt, but don’t let that dissuade you.

Take the dong root to the cashier and purchase it. Maintain eye contact, because they have no idea what the heck you’re buying. It’s an awkward-moment-freebie. You’ll treasure it, swear.

Now, wash the root off because it’ll be filthy (most likely) and you need to peel it. You don’t want to be messing around with horseradish shavings and mud. Trust me on this.

I chopped the ends off to make it easier to handle. Also, this sucker is heavy-duty. It’s hard to cut through, so use a good knife and be careful.

Next up, shave the thing. You could say peel, but in light of how grotesque it looks beforehand I think “shave” is the word we’re looking for.

Still creepy looking, but not nearly as gnarly. You can see I left off a good amount when I cut it. This thing is going to be pureed, so just think about how much of it you want. You probably don’t want three cups of horseradish root. You really just need a cup to make a nice jar of creamed horseradish.

It actually looks pretty cool once you get all that nasty skin off of it. It smells fierce, though. Anyways, once you’re done shaving it clean, go ahead and chop it up into smaller pieces. Small enough to go through your food processor or blender. You can also grate it, if you like, but that just seems really tedious to me.

I threw mine in my Ninja blender. That baby never disappoints.

Now, if you want something malevolent and fierce, you can just use these three ingredients: pureed horseradish, salt, and apple cider vinegar/white wine vinegar.

It’s your choice. But if you go this route, keep out of reach of children.

However, if you’re not too keen on getting a nose-bleed whilst eating your steak, let me suggest you mix this craziness with something like mayonnaise or sour cream.

You can make this super easy by buying a carton of sour cream and then blending the two together. Or, you can go the Paleo route and combine it with homemade mayonnaise. {Paleo mayonnaise is basically egg yolk, white wine vinegar, salt, and a little lemon juice. You can find a recipe here.}

I was feeling like an overachiever so I went ahead and made my own mayonnaise.

I then proceeded to scope out the squirrel that frequents the tree outside my bedroom. After building a fire using nothing but sticks and friction created with my own two hands, I roasted my prey and then topped it with creamed horseradish.

Nah. I didn’t do that. But I like to think that a true Paleo would. I mean, a caveman would, right?

After blending the caveman mayonnaise with the hardcore horseradish you get a lovely substance that pairs oh so well with beef.

Can I get an amen?

Bottle that goodness up and store in your fridge for up to two weeks. It maybe could last longer, but don’t hold me responsible if it doesn’t.

Are you a fan of horseradish? What do you like to pair with it?