If you read yesterday’s post you’ll know that some horrible flu has come upon my household. It is with great sadness that I report that I, too, have fallen victim to its evil ways.
FORTUNATELY, my kids don’t have it. Yet. My blessed mother-in-law has had them for two days now so that Matt and I don’t pass it on to them, and so that they don’t go all mutiny on the bounty on us.
We’re a pretty pathetic pair. It’s a good thing I drew up new wedding vows because we’re really rolling in the “sickness and in health” bit right now.
To distract myself from my misery, I thought I would find something to laugh about. And if I can make you laugh with me, well then, I’ll consider it a day’s work.
Last week I had the privilege of shopping for nursing bras. Yah, you read that right. Also, read “privilege” with a snarl on your face. I’ve decided that there is nothing fun about shopping for this particular accoutrement. Since I’ve already walked you through what shopping for maternity clothes looks like, I thought you might like this itemized experience as well.
You can file it under: things you never want to do–stick it somewhere between Getting A Root Canal and Going To The DMV.
1.) Given the multiple mirrors and brash lighting of a fitting room, you are finally allowed a panoramic view of the havoc wreaked on your body by pregnancy. No longer can the damage be a mystery. Stretch marks, veins, and cellulite, oh my!
2.) You learn that your new bra size is in letters of the alphabet that even Mickey Mouse Clubhouse forgot about. WTF do you mean I’m a 36 QQQ??!!
3.) You find out that not only are your boobs bigger, but your BACK and ribcage have grown as well. If the giant knockers were depressing, the girth of a linebacker is downright tragic.
4.) You have to allow “room to grow.” Translation: you’re only going to get bigger.
5.) You find all this out while balancing the flimsy dressing-room curtain with your knee and elbow, praying, begging God that your child won’t suddenly whip it back and allow the entire store to witness your existential crisis.
6.) No, the giant contraption referred to as a “bra” isn’t all you need, dear. Bring out the nursing pads and nipple cream!
Welp, thats all for today. Time to focus on feeling sick again. Oh, and in case you haven’t read this one yet, its pretty good. When Your Doctor Tells You That You Gained Too Much Weight During Pregnancy