While I might be in the last stretch of my third pregnancy, I’ve decided I’m still a total nube. Pregnancy is just NOT one of those things that gets better or easier with practice.
I’ve gone into labor and delivery twice already. Once for suspicious bleeding that turned out to be the result of a dance party. Apparently twerking is best left to the unencumbered.
And then yesterday I checked in thinking my water had broke. Had broken. Braked? Can we just let this one go?
Did my water break, or did I just pee myself?
Welp, turns out I’ve reached the point where I don’t even know when I’m peeing myself. Pray to God I don’t start unwittingly pooping myself, too.
So yah, I hung out on a hospital bed for several hours watching mild contractions blip up and down, cursing myself and my incompetent bladder. Now I’m afraid I’ll be gun-shy when its the real-deal and wait way too long.
Grrr! The last weeks are the worst, am I right? I am absolutely miserable in my own skin and if I could I would delegate several maintenance jobs to other people for my sanity’s sake.
If you have a strong stomach and are looking for some real, altruistic volunteer work then inquire within:
1.) Simply put, I need someone to go pee for me. Even if its just for half the time, I would really like to have a bit of a break from the whole bathroom carousel that I am just dying to get off of.
2.) I would also love to interview a gentle shaver of legs. Gravity is a precarious force when your very silhouette defies it.
These days, shaving in the shower is life-threatening, and when I sit in the tub I have trouble resuming the “upright” position.
3.) Since we’re already showering together, would you be able to wash and scrub my feet? They are also quite difficult to reach. And perhaps once they’re clean you might paint them?
4.) To combat my rogue sciatic nerve, I’m looking for a very short, very strong individual to keep their fist in my back at all times. This person needs to be tireless. Also, if they could pick up whatever it is I dropped on the floor that would be great.
5.) This responsibility could be held by the fist-person, as long as they’re coordinated. I need someone to keep a fan on me at all times. I’m sweating like a pig and it needs to stop.
I’m also open to being fanned with something fancy and regal-looking. I don’t mind being mistaken for a princess while I’m miserable.
6.) In addition, I’m looking for a real-go-getter to deal with my Nesting list. I’m too tired to do things like scrub my baseboards but I don’t think the baby will come unless they’re dealt with. This applicant should be organized, efficient, and willing to take orders from a bossy lady with bad toenails.
7.) Finally, I need someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything will be ok. Matt’s got this covered at least half the time, but the other half the time I’m sort of busy biting his head off.
Yes. I’m a hot mess and I need a lot of TLC.
You can send resumes with qualifications via email.