Addiction Aftermath: Weight GainJul 08th

If I’m being honest I’ll tell you that confessing to a drug addiction was the easy part.

Being quiet after the response–that wasn’t so hard either. It’s ok in circumstances like this to “plead the fifth.”

But live normal life?

That’s hard, yo.

They didn’t tell me at the Chemical Dependency Center that I would probably gain weight. That I’d feel depressed. That going back would be super duper easy.

Don’t worry. I didnt go back.

But I’ve wanted to.

God how I’ve wanted to.

Guys, I’ve gained weight. Like twenty effing pounds. and it sucks. so hard. I went for like two years where I didn’t worry about weight. And now its all I can think about. I have cravings. I’m hungry. I feel sad. Oh hey, chocolate! Boom. twenty pounds. That is how it happens.

And now??? Well I bought “fat” clothes. They weren’t really fat. Just bigger than the tiny size I was when I was sick.
Clothes to fit after the weight gain. But I didn’t account of the EXTRA weight I would gain. More.

Ugh. Disgustingly more.

Now I cant fit into anything that resembled the old Hillary. And how do I feel about that? Well,frankly I just want to go back. Fill my prescription and go back to low weight, no pain, no cravings, and numbness. Cause this sucks.

It sucks feeling bad about your weight. Oh wait, this is my entire high school experience. Yah. thats why I hated high school. Not becasue my dad lost his job. Not because one of my best friends died. Not because I moved and didn’t know anyone. No I hated high school because I felt fat and miserable. Except I wasn’t fat. I was just heavier than my tiny, stick-figured friends. And here I am again feeling heavier than acceptable.

I’d rather be addicted. Sometimes that’s how I feel. Not always. Not most of the time. But sometimes.

Somebody grab me by the shoulders and shake me, please. This is ridiculous.

This is what they don’t tell you about detoxing from drugs. They don’t tell you that you feel prettier when you were on them. Oh sure you felt cooler. But that’s not as important. No, you were skinnier. You were able to wear cute clothes. You didnt agonize over your weight. Thats what you are walking away from.

Here I am, twelve weeks clean, and the nasty stuff still haunts me. It was an unexpected trial, this weight gain. One that I didn’t know could knock me down so damn low.

I have a plan of attack, and I’m sure I’ll blog about it later, but for now, I wanted to catch you all up on who I am today. Some of you have messaged me and asked about my progress. With moving and figuring out our new life, the addiction stuff wasn’t as important to share. But the fact of the matter is that it is still there. I’m still fighting.

Your encouragement, prayers, well-wishes are cherished. Thank you to everyone who has reached out and held my hand along the way. I promise brighter things tomorrow!

Love you all!

 

33 Responses to Addiction Aftermath: Weight GainJul 08th

  1. Mel July 9, 2013 at 3:53 am #

    So glad you are still fighting! Please be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that it is still really early in the process and change takes time. Please tell yourself that you are beautiful. I hope you are working with a therapist for some ongoing support; it has helped me so much during tough times.

  2. Kathy at kissing the frog July 9, 2013 at 4:34 am #

    In a different way, I understand this. When my son had cancer, I lost a lot of weight – from worry, stress, fear. Now that he is gone, I have gained “mourning” weight – 20 effing pounds (what is it about that number?). I am on Lexapro, too, which my doctor point blank said would make me gain weight, and it sucks. You’re trying to feel better, BE better, and this stupid weight thing creeps in there. As women, it’s hard not to tie our happiness to our weight. I understand what you’re going through, and I can’t wait to hear your plan. Maybe it will help me, too! xo

  3. Ilene July 9, 2013 at 7:08 am #

    I am so feeling you. For me it wasn’t drug addiction – but “divorce weight.” About 15 effing pounds at this point! I don’t want to focus on it, but I do, because it’s really time to make that U turn and get back into shape. However, at the same time, I want to give myself a break. It was a rough year, learning to be single. Something had to give. And coming clean off drugs, I think you need to give yourself a break as well. If you can. It’s hard when it’s our bodies. I am rooting for you – with everything. xo

  4. Chris Carter July 9, 2013 at 7:45 am #

    OH honey… my heart breaks for the place you find yourself in right now.

    So yes- I get it all. I get that gaining weight can truly knock us down into the prideful discouraging and depleting disgust that can be all about our appearance and the downfall of it. I get that!

    So here’s what convicts me every time I do go “there” (cause I have gained ten pounds and stopped working out in the last year I have sat my wrinkled big butt and blogged).

    Where’s your worth?

    When you are in Heaven- do you suppose you will be looking back on your life and regretting not being thin? When reviewing your life’s work and journey, do you believe you will be assessing the weight factor in your success?

    I have grown into this new insight and find conviction and contentment in knowing that the true measure of my worth has nothing to do with my weight. What is God most proud of about you? When you see Him, will He say “Hilary, I am really ashamed you gained that twenty pounds after you pulled your broken body/spirit/heart out of addiction”. Hmm.

    I wonder if God will even notice, to be frank.

    The energy and emotion you spend on this issue, can be used for a better purpose. You are worthy of MORE than appearance, my friend.

    There are far too many powerful moments to be had in this life- I would hate for you to miss them because you were looking the other way. :)

    Just remind yourself every day, every time you dress yourself or shop for bigger clothes- in the end… does it really matter? I think not.

    YOU are a gift. Size 4-6-8-10-12-14….

    • Kellie B. July 10, 2013 at 7:57 am #

      This is beautiful. Chris Carter really said it perfectly. You are certainly a gift and an inspiration to me! My prayers and thoughts are with you on your journey that you will heal both physically and spiritually and that you will be strengthened both inside and out.

    • hillary July 12, 2013 at 10:20 am #

      It’s truly humbling to have you read my blog. I think what I need is to have your wisdom in an ear-piece that would stream into my brain throughout the day. Can we work something out? Or maybe an app. The Chris Carter app. Because, man! I needed to read this! This is a blog post in itself. Much better than the crap I was ranting about. Thank you for shifting my perspective and pointing me in the right direction.

      Love you, friend. And thank you for always leaving such amazing comments.

      • Chris Carter July 19, 2013 at 7:09 am #

        I am so glad I came back to read your response, sweetie!! I checked a few times after I posted- in hopes that it would truly help you… Oh how you are on my heart and in my prayers!!

        Ya know when you are just drawn to someone, and absolutely adore them and can’t quite find when or where it all started? Yeah… you. And you, dear precious friend will always have access to whatever encouragement I can possibly offer!!! You know that, don’t you? I am just an email, FB message away… and a phone call if you need that too! Hell- I would even fly over to give you a hug if it was what you needed!!!

        I just love you that much. :)

        XOXO…

      • Cynthia Padron June 23, 2014 at 9:02 am #

        hey hilary how are you doing with your recovery, noticed you havent blogged about it for a year now! fighting myself. Hope to hear back!

  5. Frugalistablog July 9, 2013 at 8:21 am #

    Oh Hilary, Hilary, Hilary….. I know EXACTLY what you speak of! Okay, I haven’t been through addiction. But I GET IT!!! I can hate myself for being 10 pounds, 20 pounds more than I WANT to be. I need to submit to enjoy my gifts that I have been given.
    So this is what people told me, and I’ll tell you. You are gorgeous. You are. You don’t see it, because you want an airbrushed size 2 that you see on a Pinterest pic. You are good enough. You are MORE than good enough. You have battled demons for your children. You are their super hero. They want their mommy the way she is. Not a skinny wisp of an addicted shell. You get it?? You hear me?? Okay. Now. You’re a smart cookie. You’ll figure it out. I’m figuring it out. I hate my cellulite, I hate my pudge, but I love my life. And I need to focus on that. And I will give you a big sloppy kiss when I see you at BlogHer!

  6. Tamara July 9, 2013 at 8:40 am #

    Chris Carter rocks! Read that reply 3x!!! You are so beautiful! Cute and funny and brave and honest. Be kind and patient with yourself. I think the key to recovering from any addiction is to develop a real love for yourself. Get downright passionate about loving who you are inside and out. That is so much easier said than done, but you do it one day at a time, just like getting clean. Love yourself. Affirm yourself. Use your kind, loving mommy voice for your self-talk. Really watch the self-talk!! Your thoughts create your life. What you say to yourself determines everything in your life.

    I’ve had major confidence issues for years and feel like today I am nearly recovered! This recovery, like any, happened through a daily practice of self-love. When you love yourself deeply, you naturally make better, healthier choices for yourself and you also forgive yourself more easily. Our level of self-love is the root of addictions big and small, be it food, depression, anger, and on the flip-side, our happiness and fulfillment.

    I wrote this in a post a few months ago, “I think of it like an umbrella in the rain. The rain is all of the doubts, the criticisms, the negativity that you or others shower on yourself. The umbrella is self-love or self-worth. The bigger your umbrella, or the more you love yourself, the drier you’ll stay.”

    Loving yourself just as you are, warts and all, doesn’t mean you won’t strive to be a better person – it actually makes it easier to reach your potential and be the you you want to be.

    Daily love. Practice makes proficiency. Hugs.

  7. Merri July 9, 2013 at 8:48 am #

    I am so proud that you have kicked the habit! Just try and stay positive, which I know is hard becuase now you see things you may not wanna see… like weight gain. But I am sure this is very minuscule compared to what was going on with your addiction. Just try and remember why you decided to quit in the first place. Write in on paper.. put it on mirrors and maybe the weight will not be as big of a deal as it is now.

  8. Kerri @ Simplicity Interrupted July 9, 2013 at 10:15 am #

    Hang in there girl – you are worth this fight. Numb & skinny may feel good, but I bet those around you enjoy the real deal you (even with a few extra pounds) to the numbed you. Also – these comments from readers are amazing. You are right – I would cherish these for sure. xo

  9. Margo Hayes July 9, 2013 at 10:38 am #

    I so agree with Chris Carter and Kerri – a long and eternal perspective is something to fight for… this world is so short-sighted and just plain wrong in its values. We love the “real deal you” as Kerri said – no matter what weight you are. As someone who is aging everyday (wrinkles, saggy skin, weight gain, etc.) – I’m so glad that “we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us…therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outer man is perishing (is it ever!!) yet the inward man is being renewed day by day”. I Cor.4: 7 & 16 w/a comment from me:)

  10. Allison Hart July 9, 2013 at 12:08 pm #

    I don’t know addiction. But I do know weight. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t wish a weight struggle on anyone, especially coupled with body image angst. Add in the actual work of staying clean? Ugh. Does knowing that what you’re dealing with, and conquering, is truly very difficult help? It is so hard and that’s why it feels hard. But you can do it. Keep sharing your experiences and taking all the love and support you get in return. It will carry you through. And buy gum.

  11. Natalia July 9, 2013 at 12:30 pm #

    You’re beautiful just the way you are. Life is a journey, ups and downs. Give yourself a break, it hasn’t even been that long! Love you girl, hang in there!

  12. Amanda July 9, 2013 at 1:43 pm #

    Keep on fighting girl!! I have always struggled with my weight, except for one brief period after high school. I was mildy anorexic. I was skinny, I loved it, and so many times I have wanted to go back. I have gained so much weight since then. But everytime my husband reminds me that he didn’t like the skinny me. It’s normal to need a reality check every now and then. Just don’t give up!!

  13. Courtney July 9, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

    I think of you every day. I also pray for you. I love your honesty in your writing. Thank you for your story. I hope you can find that good feeling inside that will help you move forward. You can do this! Let your girls know how we can help! :)

    • hillary July 12, 2013 at 10:14 am #

      Oh Courtney, thank you! I think of you guys every day as well. I shouldn’t complain when in reality this is like, nothing.

  14. Elaine A. July 9, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

    I’m sorry. So sorry. I gained weight back after injury and not being able to run. And in a way, I was addicted to the endorphin rush and the way I looked in the mirror. I know it’s really no comparison to what you have and are going through, but it’s the best I could think of… 😉 You’re still an amazing person and I know you know that. And I also know it’s hard right now. Thinking of you and praying things get easier and better. xo

  15. Miriam Gomberg July 9, 2013 at 11:05 pm #

    It sounds like you are doing the hard work right now. I would say something inspirational, but it would feel tinny and contrived. Just know that it may not be easy, but just keep going forward.

  16. Aleta July 10, 2013 at 3:22 am #

    Don’t let the weight turn you away from your progress. Weight is something you CAN work on in a HEALTHY way, when you have the addiction under control. You are stronger than you can ever imagine.

  17. Maggie July 11, 2013 at 12:00 pm #

    Sometimes the best thing you can do is just to work through one issue at a time. You’ve got enough on your plate with beating your addiction. Gaining weight absolutely sucks and makes you feel horrible, BUT it will pass once you have the reserves you need to focus on it. I came out of my last pregnancy with postpartum depression and was unable to lose the 30 pounds that I needed to. Eventually, I made my peace with the weight until I was able to manage the depression. The depression passed, and I’m now within a couple of pounds of my goal. But worrying about it before I was equipped to deal with it only made the whole situation harder. One battle at a time! I’m sending up a prayer for you right now. You are strong!

    • hillary July 12, 2013 at 10:13 am #

      Wise words! I’ve had PPD as well, and totally get what you mean.

  18. Jackie July 12, 2013 at 8:10 am #

    Weight gain no matter what the reason can be difficult. But I’m here to tell you that like beating addiction you can conquer the weight gain too.

    LIke others have said… you are strong. You can do this. Just stay focused and lean on others when you need support.

    • hillary July 12, 2013 at 10:12 am #

      Thanks, Jackie! I know I can do this. It’s not even that bad in the scope of things. Just hard on my vanity.

  19. Kendra July 12, 2013 at 1:42 pm #

    Hi, Hillary! Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve gained weight because of depression, a military injury, and pregnancy. Now I’m also on Lexapro and it’s hard to not gain. I have my highs and lows of wanting to be in fitness mode then when I know I’ve worked really hard and I see no results because of medication it is a downer. But I know that I have to figure out the right way for me to cope with the weight.

    I wish you luck in your journey and keep in touch! I want to know how you’re doing on your journey.

  20. Lisa July 13, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

    I don’t know addiction, but I know depression, anxiety, and weight gain (try 100 pounds…). God has gotten me through all but the last one and we’re working on that. As I read through the comments above, the thought that came to mind was, of all the wonderful women in your past, friends or mothers or grandmothers, etc., did you ever say “Golly I Ioved her, she always had that great figure.” No, you say, she always made me laugh, or she knew how to make me feel loved. And I’ll bet most of these women had a little jiggle going on!

    Here’s a page that I just love. If you find yourself feeling unloved, let our King tell you Himself! http://www.fathersloveletter.com/text.html

    You go gurl!!

  21. Adrienne July 16, 2013 at 2:52 pm #

    Your bravery is astounding! Keep fighting, Hilary. I can’t wait to hear about your plan of attack! I’m sorry you’ve gained weight. It’s temporary. You can do this!

  22. Rosie Ed September 16, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

    Since I went to rehab, quit pain killers and then suboxone, I have gain 80 pounds and am miserable. I can totally relate to wanting to go back to skinny, cool me. But I know it’s just the lure of drugs. It has been a year and a half since I went of suboxone (the replacement drug the doctors gave me), and I just can’t lose any weight. It came on so quickly, too. I didn’t even need to change my eating habits and I started gaining as my body healed. Now I eat too much, I admit, but something else was going on, too. Good news is I’ve started playing tennis again recently. What a sight I am on the court, but oh well. At least I’m out there doing it.

    • hillary September 16, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

      Oh man! I think it just screws up your entire body chemistry. So frustrating!

      But really, good for you! Its encouraging to hear from another survivor :)

  23. Selena September 11, 2014 at 12:21 am #

    I normally don’t reply to these things but you could not have described my sobriety feelings better than that. I keep telling my husband that the reason I’m so unhappy is b/c I’m not tiny and tan anymore. I don’t care if I take the darn pills anymore. In fact, if I had the energy and could quit obsessing over how awful and fat and disgusting I am at 5’2 and 145lbs when I used to be cute and tan and 106lbs. Then maybe I’d get out of bed and leave the house. Which I have not done for 6mos, literally. I didn’t buy any new “fat” clothes b/c I don’t have the money to since we needed it for more important things like house repairs and the kids. I have no idea if I’ll ever get past this hurdle and lead a normal life b/c it feels like I won’t. I know it was awful to take those pills but at least I got out of bed everyday and did things. Now I do nothing. Ironic, isn’t it.

  24. Vanessa Stubbs July 22, 2015 at 1:45 pm #

    Hillary,
    I am profoundly grateful and amazed at your candor. I realize you wrote this in 2013 and I haven’t read where you are now and I found you through pinterest somehow, but this was meant to happen. I too have struggled with addiction, as well as my mother’s and husbands. You are beautiful inside and out and you will go far in this life! Thank you for your “real life” stories and just being yourself. You will help many! I am starting a blog soon……I hope! (I bought a name and have the initial layout purchased, but i need to customize it and post things ) its called “the soul restored”. it will be about my crazy life in hopes to help others through my experiences and my advice to not do the same dumb things or how to move forward if you have. Your blog gives me courage. Thank you again. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

    Vanessa

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