How To Have A Unique Family Vacation

We were out last week–bumping along the freeway to the melodic smell of dairy after dairy and crop after crop. Makes for an interesting game of “who done it” now that the kiddies are interested in all things poop and fart.

“Was it…Daddy??!!”

nope.

“Was it…Chaucer?!!”

nope.

“Was it…Coco?!!”

nope.

“But Mommy doesn’t toot. Ever. What, oh what could this something foul be??”

My Children, behold the Central Valley and its fathomless glory: Dairy Farms.

[no offense to you dairy farms. Thanks for the milk. I like it. Matt likes it. Coco loves it. Chaucer will have none of it, thanks to being LACTOSE INTOLERANT! I always feel like that has to be said in the most obnoxious voice ever. Because, in the end, you’re talking about the cage fighting that takes place in the arena of your intestines. And that’s gross. Real, sad, yes. But also gross. Poor Chaucer. I can tell for days when he’s had just a tad of dairy. Really getting off subject here.]

So after we reached our first destination, Tehachapi, land of the only people who can pronounce it, we had some fun with my family. We also stopped in on my bro and sis-in-law and our grandparents. Then we meandered over to the Central Coast for some more quality family time. I learned some things from our vacation. Things that I’d like to share and think might benefit you. Cause everyone’s always looking for the right thing to do on vacation.

1. Make your kids work. It’s vacation, right? WRONG. It’s YOUR vacation. Have them do something for a change. I made mine lug firewood. I told her Cinderella does it. And that aint no lie.

2. Be active. At all costs. Find rollerblades, bikes, skateboards and scooters. Something that constitutes activity. But don’t, DON’T I beg you, forget a stroller, or an extra pair of shoes should the rollerblading not pan out. Turns out, you CAN burn your feet with socks on when you walk two miles without shoes. Curses.

Also, dress up like twins with your little sister.

3. Find a really adorable baby, preferably one you are related to and hang out with her as long as you can.

Then suffer her through a series of photos where eventually she ends up crying. And try to copy her face when she’s crying so people will say “She kinda does look like her Aunt Hill…” These are important things to do when visiting family.

But make sure you smell her head!

4. Photobomb your Grandma’s picture with her great grandkids. DO it. It’s hilarious.

Then let her explain to your progeny what photo bombing is.

5. Experience nature first hand in your actual hand. As in, find a sand crab, and let it squirt out a bunch of baby sand crabs into your palm and feel them skitter all over the place before you throw them back into the sea. Gross, gross moment.

6. Experience nature first hand on your shoulder. Gives you a sense of what these creatures must eat and where they feel confident enough to dump. Learn something new. Oh. And don’t forget the added bonus of laughing at the deuce who got deuced. {he said it was warm. mmmmmaaaaahhhhh!}

7. Eat smores. Lots and lots and lots of them!

8. Puke in a bathroom at the beach! Yay! Because nothing says vacation more than holding your child over a stinking metal bowl that everyone pees all over in their bathing suits. Shudder.

9. Have your other child puke in the middle of a highly touristy restaurant. Its fun to watch tourists go from stuffing their faces to clutching their stomachs. Its also fun to clean up throw up on vacation. You wouldn’t think so, but it is.

10. Catch the flu from your kids at the tail end of your vacation. This way, you’ll come home and head straight for the couch. More vacation! Never mind that you feel like hell, this is a sure way to finish those fun summer reads and lose a few extra pounds to boot. Oh, and get your spouse to do all the laundry.

Yep. I have figured it all out. The key to an interesting vacation is…the flu!