I’m a drug addict: These are my chains.Apr 23rd

addicted to vicodin

I’m a drug addict.

She sat there wailing, weeping as if someone had died. My first instinct was to rush to her and ask how I could help.

But then I remembered where I was.

Slowly, I took her in: around 45 years old, saggy skin, greased back hair, acrylic nails and flashy jewelry.

Track marks on her arms.

Her chains were so much more visible than mine. Her chains have left scars all along her body, rendering her right arm completely useless. She dropped her phone and I realized she had to hold her dead hand with her functioning one to keep it from flopping heavily onto the floor. I quickly jumped up to retrieve her phone.

She was so grateful.

“It’s nothing,” I said.

“You’re so kind, thank you.” She replied.

She oscillated between the horrific sobs to a sort of manic conversationalist–the grieving woman turned chatty Cathy.

I waited quietly for my turn.

How did I get here?

You know how you got here, came the answer.

Finally, I heard my name from an unfamiliar voice. My stomach lurched but I walked all the same.

A kind doctor closed the door of his office and sat at the computer, ready to ask me the questions–the ones I’ve been so scared to answer. The ones I’ve been hiding from everyone, including my dear friends and family. Now, to speak words. My chains.

“I’m addicted to vicodin.” I told him.

The confession invited a torrent of bitter tears.

We went through my health history–the nine foot surgeries, the two hand surgeries, the RA and fibromyalgia–he said it was no wonder I was addicted. That it wasn’t even my fault. I couldn’t come off of it on my own, he explained.

Still, I didn’t believe him.

There was no excuse. I’ve known this has been a problem for over a year. God showed it to me and after multiple failed attempts to quit, I gave up. I told God to go away.

I went into remission for my RA. It was clearly time to go off of the pain meds. But I couldn’t. My miracle was perverted by my own addiction. Here I was–patented as pain free, yet trapped to pain medication.

I hated myself. Is hate the right word? More like despised. I felt those who loved me would not be able to swallow it. It was too despicable. Me, the wife, mom,”honest” blogger a drug addict. No, too shameful to speak.

Darkness. Total darkness was where I was when I finally decided to get help. It started with an appointment with my regular doctor and I told her I had a problem. Told her to please cut me off. She referred me to the Chemical Dependency Rehabilitation Clinic.

And that’s where I found a small, shattered piece of myself, and God, when my own voice submitted to those frightening, terrible words:

I’m addicted.

God met me there with a kindness that astounded me. He picked up the chains and carried my burden. I could taste the freedom, and he promised more.

***

Today is a big deal for me. It’s a great and wonderful thing to be able to share with you all, sweet readers, that I am eight days clean and feel amazing. Not only do I feel physical healing, but I am experiencing spiritual and emotional healing as well. Just a short week ago I cringed at the thought of sharing something so dark with my audience.

But no. It’s not dark anymore. God has blasted it with marvelous light and I see it for what it is: a miracle. It isn’t over yet. This is a process, you see, and the narrative is so much longer than this snippet I’ve shared today. Everything in its time.

I will be sharing every week how I am doing and go more in depth with the ins and outs of my addiction. I hope to maybe help some of you, who surely are struggling with something–maybe not vicodin–but a dark and odious stronghold.

Love and light. I hope that you will understand that I am so full of joy right now at God’s love for me that I cannot contain it. I feel like a crazy huggy happy lady. I have the urge to drive all over California to hug my friends and family who I banished from knowing the truth about me for over a year.

I would hug all you readers, too, if I could. Thank you for letting me share this today and please, if there is anything you feel inclined to share–do.

Confessing is freeing. It spills light into the dark and heals with warmth.

Click here if you are someone looking for help with vicodin addiction recovery. You’ll find answers to your questions, community, and the tools you need to finally get clean.

123 Responses to I’m a drug addict: These are my chains.Apr 23rd

  1. keri @ shaken together April 23, 2013 at 2:47 am #

    Congratulations on 8 days – that is an amazing accomplishment and something to be so proud of!! My husband was addicted to cocaine for the first long, horrific years of our relationship – I know that sounds dramatic, but addiction is nothing less than horrific. We struggled together – he the addict, me the codependent – and made it out on the other side. He has been drug free for 10+ years now! You will have a testimony to share, one of triumph, of perseverance and of joy … I just know it!

    • MoDel April 18, 2014 at 7:22 pm #

      Good girl! I am right there with you. But I am only 6 days clean. But I think the toughest part was making the initial decision to GET clean. Your request to your doctor to “cut you off” is a testiment to your inner strength, and shows what an incredible individual you are. Keep going. And know that God is with you. Blessings…

  2. Stephanie April 23, 2013 at 3:12 am #

    You are so brave and so strong and I agree with the above comment. Your testimony in the midst of trial is amazing today and will only continue to grow.

  3. Student Mom (Jenn) April 23, 2013 at 3:22 am #

    Well done!! Addiction is not so lekker (sweet – as we say in Afrikaans).
    When that pull gets strong, fall on your knees, and then go for a walk.
    God is our only way out, in sooo many things.
    Blessings heaped on you!

  4. Lara April 23, 2013 at 3:33 am #

    Oh I am so happy for you. I don’t pretend to know anything about addiction but I do know what it’s like to go through something dark and finally step out into the light. Thank you for sharing this. Now you not only have God walking with you, but you have the support and prayers of readers too. I hope you can feel our collective hug around you today.

  5. Amanda April 23, 2013 at 4:00 am #

    You are so brave, and inspiring. Like Lara above said, going through something dark and seeing light at the end is relieving. I guess this is just to send you love, strength and support. Congratulations.

  6. Anna April 23, 2013 at 4:10 am #

    So happy for you Hillary! You are going to help so many people by sharing your journey! Xoxo

  7. Meredith April 23, 2013 at 4:10 am #

    I am so sorry for your struggles and your pain–you have been through so much! Your honesty and vulnerability here is awe-inspiring, and I know you are blessing so many people through this post. The faith and hope you have found are gorgeous. I’m tearing up as I’m rejoicing with you. Thank you, so, so much for sharing and know you are in my prayers!

  8. Karen April 23, 2013 at 4:25 am #

    This was sad and beautiful at the same time, Hillary. You have no idea how many people you are helping by writing this. No wonder you feel so good now. You deserve it.

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:50 am #

      Thank you, Karen!

  9. Toulouse April 23, 2013 at 4:30 am #

    This was a fantastic way to start the morning, humbled and in awe. Hillary, you are so brave to be truly stepping out into the light in this way and inspiring others with your strength and courage. Bravo and all my best wishes for continued success!

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:50 am #

      Oh boy. That humbles me! Being in this state truly has brought me so much joy.

  10. Jessica April 23, 2013 at 4:33 am #

    So, so proud if you for getting help, for this post and for being amazingly strong. xo

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:49 am #

      You were one of the people who inspired me to do so!

  11. Nicole Leigh Shaw April 23, 2013 at 5:02 am #

    “Better out than in.” I know, I know, Shrek quotes. But it’s true for dark secrets, too. Your strong, capable, and cradled by God. Go on and get it out, babe. You have love and support.

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:49 am #

      I really love that you brought Shrek into this. And you are absolutely right. What’s held in is miserable and destructive. I love the image of being cradled by God. Thank you for giving me that this morning.

  12. Alicia April 23, 2013 at 5:12 am #

    I’m in such admiration of your strength! Like Meredith said – you’ve been through so much and you soldier on through more. Good for you! Keep us posted.

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:48 am #

      Thank you. I will definitely keep you all posted. This has to be something people know about in order for me to truly succeed.

  13. Caitlin MidAtlantic April 23, 2013 at 5:33 am #

    You are so strong to share your struggle with so many. I’m sure your honesty will inspire so many others to seek help.

  14. Angela Gilmore April 23, 2013 at 5:51 am #

    Saying those words out loud, knowing the words to be true, is such an amazing first step. And you took that step. It’s not something that you have yet to do, or something you are avoiding doing; you’ve done it. Take one day at a time. You are a strong woman for writing this post.

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:48 am #

      Thank you! I am so glad it is already out. Ahh. Feels like I delivered another baby haha!

  15. Kim April 23, 2013 at 5:54 am #

    Hillary, you’ve brought me to tears of joy for you today. That brilliant light of God’s love is so amazing, especially when you are not feeling particularly worthy. Thank you for sharing, and blessings and prayers to you as you make your way forward! xo

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:47 am #

      Thank you Kim! You don’t know how many times you were a little light on my dark path. I hope I can now shine like that for others as well.

  16. Evil Joy April 23, 2013 at 5:55 am #

    You are strong, amazing and wonderful. Honestly is a huge piece. One step at a time – one day at a time. Sending you support and strength and love.

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:46 am #

      Thank you so much! I think the truth really does set you free. And yes, one day at a time.

  17. Lori April 23, 2013 at 6:05 am #

    Praying for your strength, Hillary. I’m so excited for all the greatness that is coming your way. You’re helping so many others through sharing your struggle.

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:46 am #

      Oh thank you. I truly hope that God uses this in other people. It would all be so worth it then. Actually, it already is worth it for the understanding I have gained in just one week.

  18. Melissa G April 23, 2013 at 6:12 am #

    Thank you for sharing. I am an addictions counselor and I work with persons addicted to substances every single day. Congratulations on your clarity, your clean time and your moving forward process. Many blessings!

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:45 am #

      Thank you so much!

  19. Desta April 23, 2013 at 6:16 am #

    From one recovering warrior to another- well done!!! Excited to follow your journey-we’re all in this together-you are NOT alone! Btw-I too was addicted to r/x pain meds…among other addictions.

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:45 am #

      Wow! I need to read more of your story!

  20. Brooke April 23, 2013 at 6:17 am #

    Prescription meds are exactly what you said- silent chains. Addiction has touched my life more times than I could have ever predicted. People who are addicted to pain pills look and act “normal” for the most part, so its a hard hard thing to admit otherwise. I admire your strength and courage! Congratulations on getting through your first week! This post was so touching and inspirational, wishing you the best of luck with your journey!

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:45 am #

      You are so right. It was so easy to talk myself out of it for so long, and to fool others. Thank you so much for reading!

  21. Gin April 23, 2013 at 6:22 am #

    I am amazed at your strength. Congratulations on 8 days clean!!

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:38 am #

      Thank you!

  22. Frugalistablog April 23, 2013 at 6:57 am #

    I’m so proud of you Hill. This is beautiful and you will need encouragement each and every day. One day at a time. You can do this.

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:38 am #

      Thanks so much, Rebecca. One day at a time, with lots of support :) And laughter.

  23. Tannith April 23, 2013 at 7:12 am #

    I have never read your blog before. But when I saw the topic shared by another blogger I was drawn in so quickly. Last year about this exact same time I was still deeply buried in my addictions. I am amazed at your clarity and strength. I wish I could say I walked in to get treatment so bravely. I wish you all the best, I pray you have many more days of light, and I pray that on the hard days you can still see the light.
    I celebrate a year in two weeks….and I look forward to reading about all your milestones this next year :)
    Best wishes

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:37 am #

      Thank you so much for reading and for sharing. I don’t know that it was bravery more than just complete rock bottom. I believe that the reward comes quickly when you confess it and allow others to share it.

      I look forward to saying a year. Wow. I would love to hear more of your story!

    • Tannith April 23, 2013 at 7:51 am #

      Rock bottom is the only place you can begin the journey back up. It is a scary place to be at the time but you will look back almost gratefully at it. It took me a longtime to move past some of the shame. That was th hardest part of healing for me, forgiving myself. Don’t forget to praise yourself now and then, you are doing something amazing no matter how small it seems sometimes. I have discussed a bit of my story on my blog and probably will go a little further into for my up coming anniversary.
      http://forevertart.wordpress.com/2012/05/08/no-more-happy-hour/
      That is the link for the day I shared my new found sobriety, there are a few other posts at a few of my milestones. I wasn’t nearly as open as you were, I was so scared to say I’m an addict at first.
      I will be cheering you on!

  24. Nicole S Rouette April 23, 2013 at 7:32 am #

    As a chronic pain patient, I have so much respect for your honest, raw post here. Yay! Try to remember though, the difference between physical dependence on your meds, & psychological addiction. It sounds like you’re recognizing your mental addiction & taking action.. Kudos! Congratulations on your newly found freedom!

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 7:36 am #

      Thank you so much. And yes, I totally knew the difference. The pain I had from surgery and RA was definitely acute and I needed something to bear it. But where I was in the last year was a completely different place.

  25. Crystal April 23, 2013 at 7:43 am #

    Bless you Hillary on your journey! You are incredibly brave and strong!

  26. Paige Kellerman April 23, 2013 at 7:43 am #

    Such great news Hillary! Proud of you for getting help and being so honest…:)

  27. Alison April 23, 2013 at 7:44 am #

    Love you!!

  28. Tiffany Romero (@TiffanyRom) April 23, 2013 at 7:45 am #

    What a beautiful post.

    What freedom.

    Here’s to 8000 more days.

  29. The Calibamamom April 23, 2013 at 7:48 am #

    Bravo! Eight days is AWESOME. Someone very close to me just got out of inpatient rehab for chemical decency, and got the 30 day chip on Friday. It’s an uphill battle, but such a mountain worth climbing! Hang in there :-)

  30. Mimi April 23, 2013 at 7:50 am #

    I love you!!!! I’m cheering you on as you run without the CHAINS….
    A favorite fan and mama-in-law :) Mimi

  31. hollow tree ventures April 23, 2013 at 7:51 am #

    Congratulations, Hillary, and thank you so much for sharing. This is brave. you are strong and amazing. So glad you’re feeling wonderful and getting the help you need.

  32. Mackenzie @ Raising Wild Things April 23, 2013 at 7:55 am #

    Wow. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so brave to share. We seemingly all have our battles, to varying degrees, and if your post helps even just one person face theirs, you’ve done more than you can know. Congrats on your 8 days. Here’s to 8 more. (And then 8 after that, and 8 after that …)

  33. Wendy April 23, 2013 at 8:01 am #

    Congratulations on your first 8 (of many) wonderful days to come. Chronic pain is a terrible thing, and you dealt with it the only way you felt you could at that time. Now that you’re in healing mode I pray that each day gets easier for you to run without chains. You will do this!!

  34. Keesha April 23, 2013 at 8:06 am #

    Hillary, I am so proud of you, for admitting you had a problem, seeking help and getting free! You are a beautiful, talented, amazing woman — I know your story will help so many people get on the road to recovery.

  35. Autumn April 23, 2013 at 8:11 am #

    I’m not sure where to even start. You CAN do this! Many years ago I found myself addicted to phentermine (prescription diet pills). I was severely obese and had lost close to 100 lbs on my own. I hit a plateau and just couldn’t go any further so my Doc gave me the diet pills (low dose) and they worked for a bit. I then figured out that drinking a pot or two of coffee with that pill made me insanely hyper. I LOVED that! I talked to Dr into upping my dose, until I was at the maximum (37.5 mg twice a day). I ate because (at least I had a little sense left) I knew I had to to stay alive (which wasn’t much), I slept for 2 hours a night, ran like a madwoman. I was irritable (at the time I didn’t notice and/or care), hateful, too busy to be bothered with anything anyone else had going on. I got up one morning and got ready to take my pill (with my coffee of course) and decided I couldn’t keep doing it. I flushed them…I knew if I threw them away I’d be in the trash digging them out. I did it on my own, oh it was miserable. For me and everyone around me! I slept for (what seemed like) days! Sleep was my escape. Eventually I confessed to my dr what had been going on and made her promise to never give them to me again. I did relapse and bought a bottle from a canadian pharmacy, $200 that I didn’t really have to spend, and I just hated myself for that! I got thru it…by the grace of God…and am here to share 10 years later. I still fight my weight, but I will never, ever, ever go back to that dark place again! Again I say, YOU CAN DO THIS! You have prayers going up, you have a support system that I was too proud to take advantage of, and you have admitted you have a problem…all steps in the right direction! Fight hard!

    • hillary April 23, 2013 at 8:17 am #

      Wow! What a story you have! We all have our chains, and I think the invisible ones are probably the worst because we can carry on for so long without interruption. Praise God for your healing!

  36. Melissa Young April 23, 2013 at 8:14 am #

    SOOO Brave! May Jesus spill blessing all over you in obedience and freedom! Hooray!

  37. Esther April 23, 2013 at 8:15 am #

    Through your honesty, courage, and strength, I think that you will be (and are) a blessing to many! Congratulations. I will pray that you continue to have the strength needed.

  38. Margo Hayes April 23, 2013 at 8:31 am #

    Hillary, I praise God for what He’s doing in your life. I’m so glad He’s gifted you with your ability to write because so many others will need to hear your story. Like Mimi – I’m cheering you on and will hold you up in prayer daily. Love you:)

  39. Barry April 23, 2013 at 8:41 am #

    Being emotionally dead, it is high praise for me to tell you that you are the only writer who can both make me laugh and make me cry! And you have done so more than once. Stop it! :) jk Part of my horrible year last year was facing this same problem in someone very close. It is so hard to claw your way to the point where you can admit an addiction, but it is so wonderful to move past there into the life that you deserve. i love you Hill.

  40. Elaine A. April 23, 2013 at 8:55 am #

    Wow, Hillary, that was a big burden to carry. I am so happy you are relieved of it, for yourself and for your family. Congratulations and much love to you… :)

  41. Keri April 23, 2013 at 8:57 am #

    You are so brave for sharing this deep part of you. I am happy for your 8 days and will be holding you up in love and prayer for the future. I wanted to share something from one of my favorite writers whose new book Victim of Grace is published today.

    Every moment of every day, completely unprovoked,
    God pours out His love on me.
    He blesses me in unexpected ways.
    His mercies are new every morning.
    No matter what I do I cannot stop Him.
    Even in the worst situations His goodness prevails. He is relentless.
    I am a victim of grace.

    – From Victim of Grace by Robin Jones Gunn ©2013

  42. gigi April 23, 2013 at 9:09 am #

    Every day is a victory. Congratulations for making your choice to feel better. Sending you lots of good wishes for ongoing strength to keep on battling.

    xo

  43. Keely April 23, 2013 at 9:12 am #

    Hugs to you, lady. So proud.

  44. headstrongdamsel April 23, 2013 at 9:23 am #

    The first step is always the hardest, and sometimes just saying you need help out loud can be the hardest thing to do. it took my mom almost 30 years to say out loud she was an alcaholic, but it was the moment I was most proud of her, and the moment that our healing could begin.

    I wish you strength in your journey.

  45. Nicole April 23, 2013 at 9:43 am #

    Wow, Hillary. It’s amazing to be so honest with the world, but even more to be honest with yourself and get help. Praying for you, friend!

  46. Anne (@notasupermom) April 23, 2013 at 9:43 am #

    Hugs to you, friend. I’m proud of you.

  47. Ryker Seargeant April 23, 2013 at 9:45 am #

    I’m so happy for you, and pray God blesses you all the more as time goes on!!! I hope you know the Seargeants still love and miss you and your family, and we’ll pray for you in this.

    Stand Fast!
    -Ryker

  48. Kathy at kissing the frog April 23, 2013 at 10:27 am #

    You are amazing and strong, and I applaud you. The woman you talked about is the typical “druggie” that people think about. They don’t realize it could be a suburban mom who seems to be holding it all together. You are going to help so many people with this. Looking forward to hearing how your recovery goes, and please know that I will be rooting for you and praying for you!! xo

  49. katie April 23, 2013 at 10:33 am #

    Congratulations the first week is by far the hardest it only gets better from here!!! I also had an addiction to pain medication 2 long horrible years I am how 16 months sober and happy

  50. Sanstrousers April 23, 2013 at 10:52 am #

    Ninja Mom sent me. I just wanted to say stay strong, and you should be so very proud of yourself. I’ve been clean for over five years. It started with vicodin, and then progressed to other pain killers. It can be a hard road at first, but you can do it.

  51. Stephanie April 23, 2013 at 10:57 am #

    Ninja Mom sent me, and I’m staying! Thank you for being so brave and honest! Sometimes listening to our Creator is the hardest thing to do! You have a new reader in me!

  52. nicolette @ momnivore's dilemma April 23, 2013 at 11:26 am #

    I have a family member who went through the very same thing. My best to you, Hill.

    Be well,
    Nic

  53. Lee-Anne Ekland April 23, 2013 at 11:30 am #

    Hillary,

    We don’t know each other (yet) and so I’m hesitant to say what’s on my mind but I know that I am reading your post for a reason. I’ve not suffered an addiction per say, but many of those around me have. I have my own demons I am facing.

    I hate to say it but it will still get worse before it gets better. As you uncover the reasons why you weren’t able to let go of the Vicodin, you might be tempted to close your eyes to the truth but just remember to breathe through it. On the other side of the pain is strength and determination to reveal the brave woman you clearly already are. Having said that….

    I am so excited for you! I know that the journey you are on to accept, learn and love yourself more is a fascinating one and a bloody scary one too. But it has to be to get to the core of it. That kind of learning to me is what life is really all about.

    Embrace it and remember that you are an amazing woman, full of love and life.

    Love and light to you.

    Lee-Anne

  54. christina April 23, 2013 at 12:04 pm #

    this is such a great testimony of the power of God’s truth and light! the enemy tries so hard to convince us of our lack of worth and the safety in hiding – and so often succeeds for so long… but the truth really does set us free – and so often the things that we think will cause people to view us as less actually end up causing them to respect us more. mad props for sharing!

  55. christina April 23, 2013 at 12:05 pm #

    and so well written, by the way! I wasn’t sure if I had stumbled onto the beginning of a novel or what at first =)

  56. Angela@JumpingWithMyFingersCrossed April 23, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

    So proud to call you my friend. Beautiful post and amazing courage and truly inspiring honesty. You have a huge support system out here in blogland, use us. Sending all my love and encouragment and prayers.

  57. Courtney April 23, 2013 at 1:31 pm #

    I am so proud of you. Your story is so powerful and honest. Thank you for sharing. Your story will help so many others who deal with addiction.

  58. Leslie April 23, 2013 at 1:41 pm #

    Beautiful writing, Hillary. I so understand the idea of “the chains” and the feelings of comparing your chains with someone else’s. But the truth is, we all have our own rock bottoms and nobody’s is better or worse than anyone else’s. I’m so glad you were able to get the help you needed. You are so brave and strong. I’m cheering for you!

  59. Rosie April 23, 2013 at 1:45 pm #

    I am so proud of you. Proud of your boldness and strength. You are beautiful inside and out. With God, victory is certain. Love you ?

  60. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms April 23, 2013 at 2:12 pm #

    You choked me up when I got to the word “stronghold.” We all have one, thank you for being brave enough to share yours. xoxo Ellen

  61. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying April 23, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

    I am so proud of you for taking ownership of this addiction, and working to recover. I’m rooting you every step of the way.

  62. HouseTalkN April 23, 2013 at 2:32 pm #

    Oh, Hill. This breaks my heart for you. I am so proud of you and your strength, grace and bravery to share.
    Sending you big love.

  63. Caryn/The Mid Life Guru April 23, 2013 at 3:55 pm #

    You are a great writer. Honest, personal, authentic, from the heart. That’s why I keep coming back. So glad we met last month. You’ve taken an important first step. I’m rooting for your continued success.

  64. Kathy Radigan April 23, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

    Congratulations on 8 days!!! I too think you are so brave to come out and share your story. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue on your journey! Much love to you!

  65. Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments April 23, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

    That very first step is always the hardest because it seems like it’s a step off of a cliff. Then, you take it and all the loving arms around you break your fall. You are brave. You are loved. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing this deep part of your soul with all of us. You can do this. You’ve already done the hardest part. Love to you, sweet lady.

  66. JD Bailey @ Honest Mom April 23, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

    Sweet Hillary, I’m so happy for you and so proud. Big, giant hugs to you. You are so strong and an inspiration. xoxo

  67. Emily April 23, 2013 at 7:55 pm #

    I’m proud of you my friend. I love you.

  68. Lu April 23, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

    Hillary, Thank you so much for sharing your story. There are so many who struggle with addictions. Not just drugs or alcohol. My husband was addicted to meds for years because of his severe back and neck problems, many surgeries, and the hidden wounds as a combat veteran. God has used my own past addictions, along with the years of caring for my disabled vet. I am now volunteering in an Alcoholics for Christ ministry and am able to feel empathy and understanding to those who are seeking out or are court ordered to attend meetings. God uses all things for His glory. I will keep you in prayer and am looking forward to hearing more about God’s plans for you. It was the medications that took my husband too soon. Stay strong and lean on those around you. We love you.

  69. Holly Lefevre April 23, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

    Having that conversation with your doctor and being able to realize this yourself was brave and amazing. Sharing it with s and for others to hear and hopefully be helped by even braver and more courageous. Congratulations on the first steps and your 8 days and for all the future days to come!

  70. Tawney April 23, 2013 at 10:52 pm #

    Hilary you are such a brave and inspiring woman! Being able to come out with your addiction accepting help takes so much strength and courage. I am wishing you the best!

  71. Aleta April 24, 2013 at 8:03 am #

    I’m proud of you for seeking help and for being strong in sharing, not only to those who can help you but to your fellow bloggers. We will be here to support you too!

    After the c-section, I was put on Percocet for the pain. It numbed all emotions, but when I tried to get off of it, I felt an “empty” feeling. That was horrible. I didn’t understand it, but worked through it. Later, I found out that this “empty” feeling was typical from getting off of many pain medicines and it’s often the reason why people don’t want to get off of the medicine after having a c section or back surgery, because the numb feeling is better than the empty feeling. I only had a small glimpse of that feeling towards addiction.

    I can’t imagine all you have suffered through and survived and now, being even stronger than ever. God bless you!!

  72. Mark Daniel April 24, 2013 at 9:36 am #

    In my considered opinion, accountability is a key variable in overcoming any dependency. Declaring your commitment to recovery in such a public forum exhibits tremendous strength in character and is extremely admirable. I too can certainly relate to prescription pain medication addiction. It is so easy to rationalize because the meds themselves are legal, they can be taken openly in public; and your daily functionality is not necessarily impeded. One day at a time with recovery Hill. It’s a proven fact that it takes 21 days for a habit to be formed; and with the love and support of all your family, friends and fans… you shall overcome. I love you my beautiful Niece. M

  73. Chernell April 24, 2013 at 9:39 am #

    I love you, Hill!!! Thanks for being so open and honest. I know everyone has said that, but being family, it means a lot. Drugs are scary and we’re convinced that we’re the only ones who struggle at times. Way to go on 8 days! The hardest is behind you. God has and will continue to do mighty things in your life. I so anxious to see what’s next. Love you to the moon!!

  74. Katie Smith April 24, 2013 at 9:58 am #

    Amen to Chernell! I do respect you so much for opening up and airing the dirty laundry. So proud of you and your decision to get help. You are an amazing wife to my cousin, and mommy to the kiddos and I’m glad you know what is important through all of this. I’m crying happy tears! Praying always. I love you tons! XO

  75. Laura Boley April 24, 2013 at 10:11 am #

    This was sooo inspirational! I have always been inspired by you and your honesty. God is definitely working though you. I may not have a drug addiction but I have a food addiction that I have been battling for years. I have surrendered it to God multiple time but then continue to take control back myself. I was so convicted reading this. It has inspired me to share and to run to Christ and cast all my cares upon him. I love you sister and will pray for you. Your story of freedom brought me to tear. I know that God will continue to do amazing things though you!!! xoxoxox

  76. Sue - The Spin Cycle April 24, 2013 at 11:26 am #

    Bravo, lovely. Bravo. {big hug}

  77. AnnMarie April 24, 2013 at 11:47 am #

    Good for you, honey. Praying for you. You got this. I honor you.

  78. Natalia April 24, 2013 at 11:53 am #

    Oh girl, this is amazing! I am so happy for you and PRAISE THE LORD! I want to praise Him with you, this is amazing. Isn’t he so glorious that he picks up your chains and carries them and walks with you so gently helping you. Not angry that you ignored her, but lovingly helping you through it! I can’t wait to continue walking this story with you. Love you!

  79. Barbie April 24, 2013 at 12:40 pm #

    Tomorrow will be 9 days, next week, 16… next year, 53 weeks. What you are doing is amazing… congratulations… but even more, even though I don’t know you, thank you for sharing this, for it may help someone else…

  80. Adrienne April 24, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

    How brave of you to share this! Congratulations on being clean for 8 days. I wish I could hug you!

  81. Melody April 24, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

    Thanks for sharing, Hill. We’ve recently found out about a drug addiction of one of our family members, and that person can’t come to the point of confessing that something is wrong and something must be done. I look forward to reading your posts so I can learn how to help others through it. Thanks for being an inspiration to us all in the realization that through all things God works and through all things God is good. Praying for you. :)

  82. Ginger Kay April 24, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

    Hugs to you. God is good. Now that you’ve admitted your weakness, He will strengthen you, and use you to minister to others. I know it will not be easy, but many will be praying for you and cheering you on.

  83. Kat April 24, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

    Doing the happy dance with you and so glad! Keep it up!

  84. just JENNIFER April 24, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

    So amazing of you to share this with the world! I love it when another human being is willing to share their stuggles. Because we all struggle with something, it just varies from person to person. You are brave.

  85. Alison April 24, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

    So glad for you that you sought help, got it, and got clean. You can stay clean. You’re strong and yes, you are honest. Much love.

  86. Mamaintheburbs April 24, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

    Congratulations on your path to recovery. Found my way here from a RT on twitter. Wish I found you sooner. You are speaking a language I know so well. Back in Aug 2010 I had my colon out. Before that I was suffering from chronic colitis attacks. After my major surgery, I had 4 more plus 7 additional hospital stays. I was all too familiar with Rx pain meds. I was literally on oxycodone for years. On and off, up and own! Finally got help bc I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I still suffer from pain but bc of my addictive personality I know I can’t handle those types of meds. They are too tempting. If you ever want to talk please email me. I’m in the process of launching my new blog http://www.mamaintheburbs.com.
    After reading your post, it’s become clear that one day I too should share my story. Thank you! Many prayers your way!

  87. Capturing Joy with Kristen Duke April 24, 2013 at 8:20 pm #

    Love to you my friend, it is freeing to be able to share;)

  88. Sarah Yoder April 25, 2013 at 5:25 am #

    A great friend of ours struggled with this same thing last year. (Youth Sponsor, Director of Music at the Church) – my mom’s a nurse and she said that this is SO common these days…that the doctors are getting really irresponsible about how much they prescribe. I’m super proud of you! :) You have done the hard part…

  89. Robin O'Bryant April 25, 2013 at 6:07 am #

    You are brave and vulnerable and amazing. AMAZING. I have tears running down my face because I can’t imagine the courage it took to click Publish. I wish I could drive to CA to hug you myself. xoxo Praying for you and rooting for your success!

  90. Suebob April 25, 2013 at 6:34 am #

    Congratulations on your progress and on your honesty. I’m sure your post will help many other people.

  91. Chris Carter April 25, 2013 at 8:46 pm #

    So I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I saw your FB status… I thought- “did I miss something???” And here it is. I searched back pages of my email inbox to find this post. I had missed it. Oh how I hate that I had missed it. You my friend, are a testimony to God’s Grace and Light. You my friend, will be a witness to so many through your darkness transformed… You my friend, were chosen to live a miracle of healing- and He chose your life to open new hearts to Him.

    I am devastated for you. devastated because you lived in the pain of swallowing darkness that you endured for too long. Devastated that you agonized and isolated and suffered in your addiction. I love your joy of new beginnings and liberation. Oh, I can only imagine the courage it took to take those steps into the light.

    I am deeply honored to know you and to be blessed by your story. You my friend, are beautiful. Every single piece of you.

    You know I will be praying for you… and rejoicing too!

  92. taraocity April 30, 2013 at 5:03 am #

    There is a radiance, even ever so faint in the beginning, that shines from someone standing in their truth. For those of us blessed to feel it shine on us too, even from the blogosphere, it is a healing wash that we may do the same for ourselves. Shine on Hilari:) hugs from taraocity

  93. ChristineMM May 9, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

    I am so happy you are able to access healthcare to help you with this. This is my first visit to your blog. Good luck on the healing journey. You can do this.

  94. Kate May 21, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

    While I’m not an addict, I have plenty of very close people in my life who struggle with addiction. I know there is so much shame attached to it & you shouldn’t be ashamed, especially not since you are doing something about it!

    You are so brave to be sharing this story with the world, you have no idea how many people you will help by telling your story!

    You’re awesome! Thank you so much for sharing!

    • hillary May 22, 2013 at 9:35 am #

      Thank you so much for your encouragement!

  95. Michelle Villemaire May 23, 2013 at 9:03 pm #

    Wow. I am so glad I discovered you and your blog! I happen to be surrounded by addiction/recovery myself. Thank you for your voice. Your courage is inspiring and your writing is beautiful.

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