No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.
For quite a while, since maybe November, in fact, I’ve felt as though I don’t have much to offer in the way of blogging. I like to make people laugh. I want to inspire others. I thrill at connecting with individual souls.
And yet, for a time, a voice inside has told me that I can no longer do any one of these things. Of course this voice is a lie, but it’s a noisy one at that.
Do you think that lies are more believable the louder they are? I do.
A quiet whisper of deception is damaging, but it can be silenced with a chorus of truth. [Let me just interject for a moment here and tell you that I am well aware at how profound that sounds. No, its not Confucius or Proverbs. That’s straight up me. You’re welcome.]
Unfortunately, if those whispers become thundering–eventually earsplitting–the soul will struggle and hush in vain. [Again, all me.]
The one, awful voice becomes all you can hear. Like, every time you turn on the radio–no matter which station–you’re gonna hear Miley Cyrus.
For me, that voice has manifested in the form of loneliness. Loneliness is a real thing. Countered with truth, it’s painful but not really destructive. In fact, it can be very instrumental for character building (so I’ve heard).
When loneliness was just a whisper, I could answer with things like:
“This isn’t forever–it’s just a season.”
“There are people who love me, I’m not without family or friends.”
“God has promised to meet my needs; he has not left me.”
finally, the real clincher,
“You’re pregnant and hormonal. Calm the eff down.”
Unfortunately, I shushed those answers and cranked up Miley. I mean, the voice. Soon, I found myself answering my loneliness with:
“This is forever. You’ll never fit in here.”
“Good thing you have friends scattered all over the continent, cause you’ll never have even ONE here.”
“God definitely ditched you. Remember Job? You haven’t even seen the half of it yet. ”
It’s gotten very loud and ridiculous. It’s also worked to paralyze me in the way of conducting any creative venture. Even my cooking sucks lately.
We all have our demons–the noisy voices inside. No matter what they are they all accomplish the same end. They destroy. They dismantle. They dissolve. You’re left feeling empty and invisible.
I want to turn it around. I want to make loneliness my bitch (said like Jesse Pinkman, please). I want hope and light to shine through my tears. I want laughter to be my medicine and courage to be my companion. I want to stand on a precipice like freaking Gandalf and say,
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Because listening to this voice is not working for me. It never did and it’s time to just smash the thing on the head.
Victory in Jesus? Hell yes.