Shutting Up An Ugly Voice

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No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.
~Robert Frost

For quite a while, since maybe November, in fact, I’ve felt as though I don’t have much to offer in the way of blogging. I like to make people laugh. I want to inspire others. I thrill at connecting with individual souls.

And yet, for a time, a voice inside has told me that I can no longer do any one of these things. Of course this voice is a lie, but it’s a noisy one at that.

Do you think that lies are more believable the louder they are? I do.

A quiet whisper of deception is damaging, but it can be silenced with a chorus of truth. [Let me just interject for a moment here and tell you that I am well aware at how profound that sounds. No, its not Confucius or Proverbs. That’s straight up me. You’re welcome.]

Unfortunately, if those whispers become thundering–eventually earsplitting–the soul will struggle and hush in vain. [Again, all me.]

The one, awful voice becomes all you can hear. Like, every time you turn on the radio–no matter which station–you’re gonna hear Miley Cyrus.

For me, that voice has manifested in the form of loneliness. Loneliness is a real thing. Countered with truth, it’s painful but not really destructive. In fact, it can be very instrumental for character building (so I’ve heard).

When loneliness was just a whisper, I could answer with things like:

“This isn’t forever–it’s just a season.”

or,

“There are people who love me, I’m not without family or friends.”

and,

“God has promised to meet my needs; he has not left me.”

finally, the real clincher,

“You’re pregnant and hormonal. Calm the eff down.”

Unfortunately, I shushed those answers and cranked up Miley. I mean, the voice. Soon, I found myself answering my loneliness with:

“This is forever. You’ll never fit in here.”

or,

“Good thing you have friends scattered all over the continent, cause you’ll never have even ONE here.”

and,

“God definitely ditched you. Remember Job? You haven’t even seen the half of it yet. ”

Sigh.

It’s gotten very loud and ridiculous. It’s also worked to paralyze me in the way of conducting any creative venture. Even my cooking sucks lately.

We all have our demons–the noisy voices inside. No matter what they are they all accomplish the same end. They destroy.  They dismantle. They dissolve. You’re left feeling empty and invisible.

I want to turn it around. I want to make loneliness my bitch (said like Jesse Pinkman, please). I want hope and light to shine through my tears. I want laughter to be my medicine and courage to be my companion. I want to stand on a precipice like freaking Gandalf and say,

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Because listening to this voice is not working for me. It never did and it’s time to just smash the thing on the head.

Victory in Jesus? Hell yes.

19 thoughts on “Shutting Up An Ugly Voice

  1. Chris Carter

    AMEN GIRL!!!!!! This resonates with my devotional in many ways… I still say you can do SO much with that ‘loneliness’- you can find purpose in it. truly!! THIS might be your best opportunity to write!!!! What about a little book? Hmmm…

    Reply
    1. hillary

      I’m starting to see that, Chris. I’m hoping that with God’s grace I can turn this into something beautiful. I do feel completely unleashed after naming it for what it is.

      Reply
  2. Esther

    I struggle against anxiety on a daily basis and I know that finding a fighting spirit is sometimes so hard. Time and time again, I have to learn to look to The Spirit. Praying that you will overcome!

    Reply
  3. Tamara

    I’ve thought of you and missed your blogs. We all go through these phases. You’re pregnant and you’ve recently relocated. It really takes about two years to settle into either of those and frankly, the baby will be born before that happens! It took me a good year to call anyone a “friend” in England and then my best one (whose 3 kids are all the same age as mine and all friends together) went and had a 4th baby and moved away to be closer to her family! Ugh. Life, eh?

    Reply
  4. Natalia

    Get it girl! You’ll own that loneliness!! I’ve got faith in you. And I love you even though I’m one of those friends scattered around the world!

    Reply
  5. Kelly @ IdealistMom.com

    Thank you for this post. I’ve been lurking and reading the comments.

    Reply
    1. hillary

      Ugh. That makes me so sad to hear that. I pray you find friends who stick through for all those seasons for you.

      Reply
  6. Karee

    That “voice” is called self and emotion. Truth has to prevail and we must preach to ourselves what we know is right. I often tell my kids, and myself, to think themselves into a new way of feeling NOT feel themselves into a new way of thinking. It’s a choice. It’s hard…and it’s not the easy way. Hugs and kisses!

    Reply
    1. hillary

      Amen–daily battle over here, especially with hormones threatening to sink me!

      Reply
  7. christina

    ugh, girl, so sorry you’ve been dealing with this. so great that you’re being honest and taking a stand against the lies.

    Reply
  8. JD @ Honest Mom

    I love the image of Gandalf shouting YOU SHALL NOT PASS to whatever is troubling/tormenting us. Love it. ????

    Reply
    1. hillary

      Gandalf imagery is my ultimate trump card. Love him ????

      Reply
  9. Jessica

    WOW. I cannot believe how God works sometimes. I was just sitting here, praying about how lonely I’ve been, how all my friends have seemed to abandon me, and while I’m going through a divorce. How I literally have no one to talk to except for my counselor, and that’s only because I pay him. And then the wonderful Chris Carter shared this on Google+ and I read it seconds after I was done praying. Amen… we are not alone, indeed. Here’s to kicking loneliness and those loud, awful voices in the butt!

    Reply
    1. hillary

      That Chris Carter is something else. I’m pretty sure she’s actually an angel and not a real human being. I’m so sorry you too are dealing with this. Its an every day battle. But I am learning that its all about the way I hear it in my head. I can control which voice I listen to and which voice dictates how I live my life. I pray you can silence the voices that lie to you in your loneliness. We can do this together!

      Reply
  10. johanna

    I hear you on the lonliness, Hillary. It has been super hard finding a community here. I think I just so badly want things to be like they were in Davis, with so many moms who were so like me in many ways. I really had to branch out and find people who I don’t necessarily click with immediately, and I’m still trying to find myself in that process. ultimately I think, I hope, that this will be good for me. it is in some ways the lot of the academic wife. We’ll likely be moving around a lot. I don’t know when I’ll be settled. I need to find strategies to combat the loneliness on a long term basis.

    Reply
    1. hillary

      Ugh! So sorry, Johanna. I give you guys major props for doing what you are. You’re providing your kids with experiences that many children will never have–like mine. But yes, I think this is the unfortunate predicament for people in academia. I feel like Matt has the community, but I don’t. I miss you and your sweet kids!

      Reply

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