Egg On My Face: A Cautionary Tale

So I bought this really cute dress at the thrift store without trying it on. I had about ten minutes to myself and so of course I went to the thrift store. It’s my happy place. I bought a pair of jammie bottoms that look like they belonged to Barbara Eden in I Dream Of Jeannie. That way when I encounter a sink full of dishes I can just perch my hands together and emphatically nod my head. Ping! The dishes are done.

 Ok, I thought I would just look sexy. You know that’s all Barbara Eden cared about. Seriously? A single guy lives alone in a house with a woman in a tiny bottle. He “rubs” the bottle and walla! A gorgeous sex-pot appears baring a ridiculously toned midriff. Uh huh. That’s subtle. I dream a Jeannie indeed.

 So anyways, I came home and tried on my pajamas and the dress. Sweet! They both fit and are extremely comfortable! I’m gonna ruin the Genie look with my giant tee-shirt but at least my tush looks good underneath it all. And the dress? Fabulous! It’s like wearing a maxi dress but not as long and with sleeves! Super flattering (so I think), cool, comfy, yes! I have the black dress for every occasion now.

 I wore it for the first time when went out to coffee with myself. It’s like my favorite thing to do. I get dressed up, go to Peets, and then drink my Americano while people-watching and writing. I always get ideas from my people watching. I sat by an old man and two high schoolers that were doing some serious hating on a girl who is “jealous of them.” One girl was wearing her hair in a bun that was straight up Pinterest. Why didn’t we have Pinterest in high school? It’s not fair that today’s high schoolers get so schooled in fashion and style. The youth of today ought to be having acne breakouts and terrible hair. What kind of people will they be one day if they’re saved by Proactiv and find their perfect hairstyle in high school?!

 These are things that bother me.

 Anyways, across the way I see two beautiful college age girls daintily picking at some salads. They’re gorgeous. I admire the casual, purposely thrown-together look that they have both achieved. The cost of looking like you don’t care? Priceless.

 After they have finished not eating their salads they got up to leave the shop. Imagine my consternation when this goddess of a girl stands up to reveal that her flowy teal top is in fact nothing more than a translucent bathing-suit coverup. A coverup that does not *ahem* cover. She’s got the cutest white and hot pink bikini on underneath. I can see every detail of it and I’m across the room checking her out like a creeper. I see just about every male head turn and follow her out the door. And no wonder! The girl is wearing nothing more than a skimpy swimsuit and a gauzy layer of a shirt.

 Ok, fine. It’s summer. You’re in college. Your tummy hasn’t been ransacked by a fetus. But really? This isn’t a little beach cafe. We’re miles and miles from the ocean–even the swimming pool. The only body of water near-by is covered in slimy duck poop and ain’t no way anyone’s getting in it. Especially not in THAT getup! Could you at least put some shorts on over your perfectly shaped hiney? Cause as far as I can see, everyone else is covered up. Yah, a bra strap here, a butt-crack there, but we’re all dressed, for goodness sake.

 I sit by musing about the evils of today’s youth and wonder if perhaps I should just homeschool Coco. Eventually I get up, smooth my perfect little black dress, and then head out. I can feel some eyes on me. Yep, sure enough, just some creepy old dudes and do I detect a look of disapproval in some of these women’s faces? Are they looking at me? Good grief, what did I do?

I come home and as I walk in the door, Matt looks up at me.

“Uh. Did you know that that dress is totally see-through?”

“No it isn’t! What? Really?”

“Yep. I can see everything. Everything. I can see exactly which pair of underwear you have on.”

“Oh…”

Ohhhhh.

Anyone else have a moment like this?