Change is ExhaustingAug 27th

You guys. I am SO not ready to be doing real life stuff yet. If I could, I would sit in my recliner (my spot), in my pajamas, all day long. I would nurse Tenny, hold him, and just wait for him to poop. Because that’s pretty much what he does all day long.

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Also I would binge-watch Grey’s Anatomy.

That’s about all I’ve got the energy for. Nursing, holding, pooping, and cheesy surgeon romance.

I’m so exhausted.

And it really isn’t anything sleep can fix.

Of course I’m dealing with the late-night feedings–the sleep deprivation. But what I’m really exhausted from is the recovery from last month’s crazy event: the birth.

I could go into all the reasons why I think a c-sec is harder on the body than a vaginal delivery, but the fact is my body is exhausted from change. The birth brought on so much change in my life. It changed me.

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So yes, my body is exhausted from trauma. But my soul is exhausted from change.

I’m too tired to deal with the ants in the kitchen.

I’m too tired to think about what we’re going to eat for dinner.

I’m also too tired to think about what I’m going to make for Coco’s lunch.

I’m definitely too tired for laundry, housework, and groceries.

I think I might even be too tired to fill out the endless amount of forms that come home with Coco from her teacher. Yes, I’m already THAT parent. The one that the teacher alludes to at Back to School Night when she says she’s “still waiting on several forms to come back.”

Sigh.

Oh yah, Coco went back to school. That’s one of the other things I’m too tired to write about on this blog. Remember last year? When I had to pull her out of T-K? Yep. Well she is now in Kindergarten, and while the transition hasn’t been completely seamless, she is doing pretty well considering where we were last year.

And I’m too tired to talk about it.

Change.

Change is exhausting. Our lives will never, ever be the same again. We went from a family of four to a family of five.

I became a mother to three small people, instead of two.

Phew!

The responsibility is heavy. And I do not in any way want to shirk it. On the contrary, I want to sit in a chair and stare at that change. I want to absorb it, slowly, with lots of comfort food. I want time to cry–tears of joy and tears of hormones.

But life keeps on. Change keeps on. So now there’s a stroller to pack every time I head out the door. Now there’s an alarm to set for early school mornings. And now I’m a mom to three and time won’t stop for me to figure it out. I just have to keep on.

This, my friends, is proof that life is a journey, not a destination. We’ll never “get there.” The journey is the thing.

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And can we just agree that my journey is so dang cute? Gah!!!!

5 Responses to Change is ExhaustingAug 27th

  1. Kat August 27, 2014 at 8:44 pm #

    Please keep in mind you had TWO labors that you’re recovering from as well as surgery. Not all c-sections wreak such havoc over your entire body, it’s because your body underwent double the fun. I hope you’re able to listen to your body and rest and watch bad TV as much as possible. You need to heal from that trauma and it takes time! Big hugs!

  2. Megan August 27, 2014 at 8:55 pm #

    Bless your heart. I so relate to change being exhausting. Just having a baby is enough to make you tired like you describe but you already have two other littles and you had a major surgery. I know it’s easier said than done because I protested til I was blue in the face with my mom when she said it’s okay for stuff to not get done and sure some of it seems like it HAS to happen (like the school forms). But I say as much as you can you should definitely snuggle the beeb and watch your TV. Give your body time to heal and your soul as well. And time to adjust to the change.

  3. Candace August 27, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

    i cried. you’re post is what i keep thinking about all the time…change. I loved your post today. but also because of the pics of tenny. Gosh i can’t wait to hold him…i call first dibs, next weekend, ok. OKAY!

  4. kathy August 28, 2014 at 2:37 am #

    Hillary, I so relate and remember those days. My experience was to sleep everytime I could, day or night. The surgery drugs made me foggy headed so I wrote things down, start time of feeding, poopy pants ect. Ask for help.
    If I could do have a “do over” with my #3, I’d drop out of everything outside of my home, scale back the church responsibilities, trips to library, business appointments, and ask for help.
    You are right, this is a season of your journey. Allow others to help carry you through your weak season so when you are again strong you can help carry someone else through their weak season.

  5. Jenn (Student Mom) August 29, 2014 at 12:36 am #

    Too gorgeous!!!
    I cried all over the Bunny’s head about 2/3 weeks in. Then phoned the Sister at the clinic and wailed, “What kind of mother does this???”. When she roared with laughter I realised it was ok to be exhausted. I had another cry (hormones) and set up the couch so that when baby slept, so did I, and neither of us could fall off or be squashed.
    Sometimes you just have to switch off your brain. Your brain is not helping you if it’s making you feel daunted and oppressed (perhaps the wrong word, but you know what I mean).

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